A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... STAR DOORS D-DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMM!

The star doors were a malicious species, closing whenever something walked through them, but the mind snoopers were always on their toes, literally they walk on their toes.

This is an important detail for forensic scientists and foot fetishists, so pay attention. The Mind Snoopers feverishly worked to unlock the Star Doors that had trapped

Kurt Russel in medieval Egypt. They watched in horror through their chronocams as he was forced to raft-joust Pharaoh's finest along the Nile. But the chief foot fetishist kept

a solid gold (though modest-sized) statue of Kurt Russel in his sandal closet. It also served as an incense holder. One wretched night, the closet caught fire, and the Pharaoh

realiized that one of the small gods must have been jealous of his Kurt Russel statue. Pharaoh lost all of his sandals in the fire. Kurt had left a pair of Tony Lamas boots under

so-called “cigar”, and took a deep drag. He perched on the lump with indignation; he could not understand the meaning of any of this, and he hated everything for it, even the rug &

especially the white kitchen curtains where his father displayed the 8mm film of himself and Betsy, a ticket-taker at the skating rink, conceiving him. He had a film for each kid,

which perhaps explains the absence of appetite and chronic vomiting that characterized mealtime. "How do you stay so skinny?" people would ask. "Skating," he'd answer honestly.