"What if we turn it this way?" Jesse asked,

"What if we turn it this way?" Jesse asked, stepping back to look at the diagram. "I have no flipping clue, Jess. It still looks like the plans for a Rube Goldberg machine or a

-n IPAD, or IKEA furniture directions, the whole thing doesn't add up." Then Jesse switched off the lights. In the dark, the papers had writing on them that glowed, it said,

-tory back to the beginning. There'd be no cliches to be trapped in during the Big Bang, right? But he survived floating in space thanks to Hollywood's cliched ignorance of physics

buffers. Yes, it was Hollywood to blame. Thankfully, Halloween came in and kicked Hollywood's cultist butt back to last century, and our floating protagonist found a gravity well

. So, you see, this movie will use metaphors as actual characters. Angelina Jolie will be the Ennui of waiting for the bus. Halloween: Tom Cruise. Eddie Izzard: Hollywood.

Speaking of metaphors... Celebrity is a CIA design. This movie will help us to infiltrate the government of Cobamba which taken embassy workers hostage in an effort to

rescue this story, which is in dire need of resuscitation. Metaphorically-speaking, of course. We needed to make sure Celebrity's mouth was free of obstruction first. Then we

insert the foot. Thaaaat's it. Now we're fully prepped for the cranial rectal insertion. Aaaand we're done! Another Celebrity fully cooked and ready for superstardom! Mail my check

to my Bahamas hideaway. And this, dear readers, is why Bono never takes off his wraparound shades.