A thousand years of war. A thousand of solitude.

A thousand years of war. A thousand of solitude. Immortality had exacted its price

which -- not by coincidence -- was the precise GDP of Ukraine minus Crimea. Putin rubbed his ancient chin and contemplated the synchronicity while playing 196 simultaneous chess

games. His thoughts were interrupted by a soft "Checkmate." Putin, startled, peered down at a small girl with big brown eyes staring up at him. "You were not paying attention, sir.

Putin thrashed the girl's board asunder in one swift motion. "I do NOT lose." In that moment, he was 7 again in Leningrad, Tommy Ulanov pressing his face to the ground. "I will

have my revenge!" When Tommy Ulanov was principal dancer at the Bolshoi, Putin laced his tights with polonium. Diva, Nadia Tushovnikova, gave birth to a 2 headed kitten & Putin vow

ed to put a two-headed kitty emblem on the Russian flag, and also to teach Koshki Ulyanovii how to accompany him in piano duets. Three weeks later, Putin and Koshki presented

him with the "best single-person duet performance" award. Obama then casually strolls in, plucks the sheet of legal paper from the man's hands, and strides out the door. Today was

was being watched by the NSA. Obama had fallen in and out of love with his base so many times that forgot they even existed. He drew a large platypus on the legal paper and

passed it into congress as a bill. The Tea Party vehemently objected so the Democrats rubbed salt in it just to wound. And that's how a Platypus bill got passed.