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Ted Merely is a native Utahn who could pack

  • Ted Merely is a native Utahn who could pack a lot in 30 minutes

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  • Not only could Ted pack a lot in 30 minutes, he could also unpack a lot in 30 minutes which was precisely what he was doing since his wife had just informed him that

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  • their marriage was over--the unpacking was, in this case, as metaphorical as the packing was literal. He turned to consider the racks of replica swords hung around the den, then

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  • decided to leave them there. They were a symbol of the disfunction in their relationship. She often flung epithets that hurt like a real fake sword would. Instead, he grabbed

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  • a hold of his balls with both hands (metaphorically) and explained to her in a well-reasoned and coherent fashion that this just wasn't working out. She responded by

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  • biting off his earlobe. "Now that was uncalled for," he whined as blood dripped down his collar. She said "That's what you get for metaphorically touching your own balls, douche

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  • . Your just a runner in the night". "You mean deuce." he said holding his bleeding ear. "Don't come with another of your metaphors, or I'll". "It's all revved up. You got that wron

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  • .com, sister!" the radio hollered, followed by cheap sound effects and fake DJ laughter. "Iiiiit's time for our wacky fart of the day!" *boing* *toot* went the radio. "Ugh," I said

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  • , disgusted but unable to turn it off. They had a caller on the line, who said he was 'born ready'. However, his fart sounded more and more like 'Flight of the Valkyries'. The host

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  • got tired of all this huey and retired. The fast wasn't a fast at all because it was Valkrye! Those geeky Greeks were right after all.

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