"Anything liquid, flammable, perishable,

"Anything liquid, flammable, perishable, or hazardous in here sir?" "Nope, just a book." Inside was a fruit salad mixed with gasoline stored in a glass bowl. I was sending my ex

rid of these cockroaches, one of which just crawled up my nose and lodged itself in my frontal lobe. I suddenly lost control of my memory, sexual behavior and judgement. Whipping

cream in a mixing bowl, I knew it was done when the cream formed stiff peaks. I put the mixing bowl over my head but the cream didn't fall out so I created a

an ice cream hair treatment and called it Hair Gelato! Fabulous, ring my bell pixie people!" That was Uncle Mary for you, always saying the most outlandish crap, and looking like a

loon. But then Uncle Mary offered me a Hair Gelato franchise on crippling terms that I couldn't refuse because he knows about that thing that happened with Aunt Ron in Wookey Hole

Aunt Ron and Uncle Mary lived in Wookey Hole for fifty years. Their kitchen was by the chicken coop and a rooster woke everyone up without fail at 5 in the morning. No alarm needed

because necessity was not the reason for my alarm. I was astounded, is what I was, astounded to wake and find that existence was still a going concern. I thought Non-Being had won.

The annoying noise next to my head was just the static of my crappy clock radio. Across the room I saw the toaster I had tried to fix last night. Still broken. And yet, I was

still bitter and upset with my girlfriend for leaving me. She can have someone else. I no longer care about her. I have to let her go. She ruined my life.