I would be ashamed if you could hear my snarky

I would be ashamed if you could hear my snarky thoughts. Like the pang of guilt an axemurder feels while axeing a vixen into smooshy eighths, this is how I know I'm a good person.

I am a master at maintaining neutral facial expressions. I can sit in a 2-hour meeting, nodding at just the right times, appearing contemplative at others...but I'm really thinking

"I can't believe his polyester suite. They should recycle this 80's throwback into traffic cones." Gutman paused his presentation. Did I let a smirk creep across my pokerface?

Gutman looked at me. "What's so funny, Little Jimmy?" I'm sure I looked sheepish. "Well, Sir, there's a problem with your face. I don't think your nose belongs on your forehead."

always do, and I passed out onto the concrete floor. When I came to, I was blindfolded and restrained. "Where am I?!" I remarked, and I heard Gutman's voice as he said,

"You're in my secret hideout, where all superheroes go to die." Gutman continued, "Good luck getting free, LarryBoy. You'll need it." The blindfold was removed, and I saw

it was a surprise Birthday party! Gutman, my arch-nemesis, brought out a big cake. "LarryBoy, make a wish!" Sure, all the other days of the year we try kill each other, but today

he wants me to blow out some candles and make a wish? Okay, Gutman...I wish you'd wake up tomorrow with a crotch rash that just won't stop itching...and, I wish that your wife

would finally, finally give me a raise. I have been working for her pillow case company for over 13 years, and she needs to do me a solid..." And that's why I'm unemployed.