It was the week before Christmas and all

It was the week before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring - except the monstrous gooboo lizard from planet Zarg. He opened one of his yellow eyes ...

He was in a dark enclosure.The gooboo lizard chewed his way through the box & wrapping paper.Not very nourishing.After his journey from Zarg he was famished.Other boxes had chewy

granola bars and trail mix that were packed by a mindless mother. The gooboo lizard had been transported in a "snacks" bag to a swim meet in

Boston. When I opened my Power Ranger lunch bag I was surprised to find that Mom actually did GOOD this time. The gooboo lizard was covered in PB&J but the swimmers on the team all

laughed at my pitiful lunch. "WE have a strawberry-jam-covered Galapagos turtle," the swimmers sneered. Tears rolled down my face. Would anything be enough for them?

Larger amphibians smothered in Nutella? New species drowned in yet unsynthesized breakfast condiments? These questions would trouble me for the next decade. The waves crashed

This of course is the only possible correlation between the increase of floods, hurricanes & tsunamis with the "Name the Flavor" Doritos contest.So when Cheesy Licorice Bacon chips

hit the stores, I took to wearing a hard hat at all times. The crazed scientists at Doritos R&D released new flavours irregardless of the impact on our delicate ecosystem. Gaia

was shut down bc of all the Dorito-flavor hype. People were running crazed in the streets, fires, looting, the works. Next time, Bobby Flay won't submit his chili pepper idea.