As I descended into anesthesia, the surgeon

As I descended into anesthesia, the surgeon asked, "Paper or plastic?" "Paper," I dreamily replied. My rhinoplasty was performed without a hiccup, but I awoke to a paper nose and

a mortal fear that my lovely origami olfactory organ would burst into flames when I lit a cigarette. Despite the real danger I couldn't stop smoking.

There I was, newly appointed to be Tzaddik 29, and I was about to set my own nose on fire with compulsive smoking. And not in a holy flame, either. But my origami nose somehow

folded into a goose and took flight. I took me higher and higher, until I joined a flock of geese, it seemed as though we were headed

for greatness, It would seem, however, that I chose the worst time to become a goose as it was hunting season. As our 'V' swooped low one day shortly after, a stream of buckshot

fired into my new friends. A few of them fell to the ground including the alpha goose, the goose that laid the golden egg, and my mate for life. I decided to transform my body into

a Black Swan. Almost instantly I was more mysterious and attractive. My honking remained though. All the cobs and pens gathered around me, and even a few ganders and hens

Ryan looked at me coquettishly. I'd pulled! We danced arm in arm, to a rather pretty waltz played by a man with an accordion. We kissed to the light of the moon, but unfortunately

Russell Crow, attracted by my honking, elbowed Ryan out of the way. "My name is Maximus Nortius, son of Incontinentia Buttocks & I claim you as my own!" I swooned into his arms.