Hello, my name is Arnold.

Hello, my name is Arnold.

You might have seen me in "Green Acres" or "It's a Pig's Life" but that was years ago. Today, I am giving each and every one of you a chance at time-share styes in beautiful Iowa.

I can see the signs now: Iowa, a nice place to visit. A fantastic place to eat slop. But it would need to be directed only at ungulates, or people might get the wrong idea.

Of course ungulates don't read so the sign popularizing Iowa we need to be written in a language they could understand. I decided on pheromones. I got all these scent glands from

wing Guernseys meandered over and got a good whiff of Iowa laced ungulate pheromone. They in turn release their mojo letting the bulls around know that they were open for business.

"Yep, you certainly tell when the cows are hot," said Ferdinand the bull as he limped back to his barn, "but I think I've had enough for one day." Little did he know that Elsie was

an adept of bovine kundalini. The blast she emitted through her nose ring caused upward of $23 billion in damage across five states. Mama Jaila had seen Elsie in a vision, though,

in which she had seen Elsie run into a wall going 75 mph in a school zone. She was running, not driving, mind you. How did she achieve such speeds on those soft but also hard feet?

Not that it mattered anymore, as Elsie was little more than a rapidly-fading memory now. The world would never know how close she was to achieving Warp Ten.