Hello, my name is Arnold.

Hello, my name is Arnold.

You might have seen me in "Green Acres" or "It's a Pig's Life" but that was years ago. Today, I am giving each and every one of you a chance at time-share styes in beautiful Iowa.

I can see the signs now: Iowa, a nice place to visit. A fantastic place to eat slop. But it would need to be directed only at ungulates, or people might get the wrong idea.

Of course ungulates don't read so the sign popularizing Iowa we need to be written in a language they could understand. I decided on pheromones. I got all these scent glands from

fruit bats and decided on my own initiative to smear I LOVE IOWA in something I hoped resembled ungulate pheremone on a tree & waited with bated breath. Gradually a herd of cud-che

wing Guernseys meandered over and got a good whiff of Iowa laced ungulate pheromone. They in turn release their mojo letting the bulls around know that they were open for business.

"Yep, you certainly tell when the cows are hot," said Ferdinand the bull as he limped back to his barn, "but I think I've had enough for one day." Little did he know that Elsie was

an adept of bovine kundalini. The blast she emitted through her nose ring caused upward of $23 billion in damage across five states. Mama Jaila had seen Elsie in a vision, though,

Not that it mattered anymore, as Elsie was little more than a rapidly-fading memory now. The world would never know how close she was to achieving Warp Ten.