Finished Folds (361—380)
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4Al took his singing masturbation act on the road, reinventing himself as “Sonny Bone-OH!” Song parodies like “Beat the Meat Goes On” & “A Cowboy Jerks It Till He’s Done” were Al’s
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5“Peggy Sue Got the Godfather,” but Coppola didn’t want Vanity, not even as a walk-on. He did like her bagel-purchasing skills and decided to keep her on-set as a gofer. This pissed
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3I saw promise in the gunk and marketed it as a competing product to “Dr. Arthur’s Turkey Turds & Rainwater.” It sold well until my supply ran out. Too bad I never knew the formula.
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4to burn it. All alone, Ken had second thoughts about torching the flasher’s coat. Instead he tried it on and liked it. Ken started back to town to begin life anew as a pervert.
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3hole. Bob the rock was as dumb as a box of himself. When Amy told Bob she wanted to see the Rolling Stones, Bob took her instead to a falling-rock zone on Route 9 for some action.
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9Then Ma got a really BAD idea: Climb the Christmas tree! Gertrude and Ma started up toward the vaulted ceiling. At the top, the Kmart tree stand tipped & they fell to their deaths.
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5n Kenny woke up in a fog next day he reached for a jock but got a bra instead. The 2 cups confused him: he knew he had only 1 dick. The enemy then attacked, seizing the lingerie.
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2But no enemies meant boredom, as she soon learned. No one to insult or to plot against. She remedied that the next day by accosting the first guy she saw, telling him, “You SUCK!"
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4boundaries & you should…respect…our…wo-wo-wo-WO! Momentarily distracted, the wolf fell flat on his ass on the ice. Little Red Riding Hood skated by, her basket of goodies now safe.
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4“How will we get shitfaced if Lloyd won’t take souls as payment?” asked one bloody lady. “Got an idea!” said another lady, who immediately gave Lloyd a blowie. Free beer for all!
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4with a cheesy toe-jam odor. But Toe overplayed its hand (or foot, as it were): The Army sewed a huge sock & shot it from a cannon. The flying sock wrapped Toe, choking it to death.
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3Got any ice? I’m fresh out.” The crowd was puzzled. “Why does a voice from on high need to ask for ice?” a man yelled. “Can’t you just make more?” The voice replied, “Oh, you’d be
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2Hazel acted, having her skin chemically treated so its color was that of her pack. Walking among them, Hazel paused to let them look. Cole sneered. “You’re still a twerp, Hazel!"
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3than alive. Fame eludes them, except in cartoons. After all, who are Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn, and Tweety anyway? If they disappear tomorrow nobody would notice. Birds, my ass!
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4the parrot had summoned him. Stuart the Avian Exorcist got to work, approaching the possessed parrot with a crucifix. “What is thy name, demon?” “SQUAWK! Linda Blair! Linda Blair!"
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2a problem, since Mr. Scuzzy lived in a tiny place and could only store so much Epsom salts, aching joints or not. He could dig a hole and bury them! Unfortunately, his landlord saw
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5b only to find a sign on the door: “REHAB CLOSED DUE TO EXCESS APES.” Where could I take MY car full of them? To a shooting range? No, too cruel. In the end I drove the apes to
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4My math daydream included probability. I imagined a math teacher explaining a crap game. I snickered at the thought, unable to shake the image of turd-shaped dice from my mind. But
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5was how I dealt with his tremendous appetite. Bones were cheap, a lot cheaper than feeding him Alpo. After a while I tired of the expense of the bones too. The dog had to go. I
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2danced, hawking bananas. He was so infatuated that nobody could tell him the Chiquita banana lady was just a 3rd-rate Carmen Miranda. Hell, nobody even knew who Carmen Miranda was.