Finished Folds (1821—1840)
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5-y bitsy spider is my favorite song? "I know it looks bad," I said. "But I'm Prince Poppasquatti of Polynesia. Are you familiar with diplomatic immunity?" Unamused, he shot
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5I can levitate," I said ..."Sir, you're just standing on your tiptoes." "I knew you'd say that." The first CIA recruiter gasped. "You KNEW I'd say that? You're hired, psychofreak."
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2the indecent exposure laws for mannequins?" I asked a mall cop as I changed it into a Victoria's Secret thong. "Don't worry about it," he said. "You're a young man in love."
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2The ground started shaking. "Not again," groaned the Etch A Sketch. "Well, there goes my staircase art." Living on the San Andreas Fault wasn't Etch's most ideal situation, but he
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1Then a chicken stormed in, clucking about road-crossing stereotypes. Close behind was an orange (orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?) and a trio of barhopping religious leaders.
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7priceless Princess Di Beanie Babies. "Not the Beanies!" the lawyer pleaded. "I'll do anything!" His client handed him a vat of terracotta glaze and battery acid. "The jury dies."
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8gush over his aquabovine physique. "No matter," thought Det. Manatee as he zipped up. The jumpsuit would help him blend in at the F1 Grand Prix, where prime suspect Bed L. Amnesiac
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4-shining Encyclopedia Brown's pansy folds. Their bitter detective rivalry manifested itself in many ways. When Brown bought a magnifying glass, Det. Manatee bought a sleuthier one.
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3, colonoscopy jamborees, and gerbil christenings. As his ad on the local news said, "Why celebrate an invasive procedure without me, a human bagpiper? Call today!" The phones rang
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3new poison could we conjure up? I suggested LED poisoning to kill the beast. We considered heavy metal poisoning (a.k.a. Mega-death?), but settled on biomutating his lunchtime PBJ.
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2The flags we hoped to capture were composed of labor contracts and release forms, and the Scoutmaster was a Tongan oil magnate. Upon winning, my team was shipped in a holeless box
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4'Near mercy' (in much the same way that 'near miss' signifies a miss) = 'Mercenary'. Coincidence? Perhaps. But to yeasayers, I tell the story of Barry the Mercenary Canary. He flew
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7"Such a distinct accent," thought Jherek Manatee. "The shriek must belong to a fellow Marineris mammal." Phazon from the Mad Sea Cows of Untranquility (Mars division) was to blame.
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4suggest to Kindle that they call especially crappy e-books "Kindlings" because hard copies would get burned... I downloaded "L.A. Candy" by Lauren Conrad and started reading.
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4seesaw buddy (just when you think you know a guy, sheesh!). 9. Steal Siss's nail polish for revenge. 10. Tuck in Teddy at nap time. 11. Find "Crayon Sharpener" in yellow pages. 12.
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9with his suddenly bullish legs. "If were-frogs were were-tadpoles once," Manatee mused. "Were werewolves were-pups?" But where were Waldo and the were-whales? These mysteries were
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3the events of my life were confined to my dreams, and my dreams were a 22-part HBO docudrama. "But maybe there'll be a double episode," my mother consoled. "Or a whole new season."
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7a Smokey the Bear brochure. Luckily, Irony had taken the night off. But Fate was on call, so he payed us geezers a visit. "What is this?" he asked. "Bachelor afterparty," I said.
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2I got on my knees with the pooper scooper. "Sorry about Sparky," I said, removing the links from the Trivial Pursuit board. "One more... got it. Good as new. So whose turn is it?"
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5-ing to a complete stop for 10 minutes tomorrow." The news left us speechless, so we used Scrabble tiles: "n-o t-i-m-e m-e-a-n-s n-o r-e-l-a-t-i-v-i-t-y" "w-h-o-a d-u-d-e"