Finished Folds (1961—1980)
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3now that his arteries were "fortified" with copious amounts of cholesterol from Southern cuisine, Hiram could stop a bullet in its tracks. This came in handy when
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5who specialized in juvenile cases. "Where'd you get those 5 bucks?" he interrogated. "Allowance." He pressed on, "Are you sure you didn't sell capri suns as individual retail?"
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6mixed into the icing? "Try one, Spot," said the evil mailman. "Yeah," said Spot's owner, "they're cat flavored." But the cupcakes had that classic chocolate rat-poison odor so Spot
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1from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I finally came to my senses and found a girl who had fallen from heaven instead.
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4Fat Ol' Tracy tried to run from the wolves but her leg meat just rubbed together and created massive friction. She collapsed in agony from the chafing and accepted death. But then
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2But his dome-covered life quickly turned... sour. The house next door organized a Taco Bell eating competition followed by a Smelliest Fart competition. "You fools!" he cried. But
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5"The Number of the Day is zero, Count," said Manatee, "as in, you have zero seconds to count your blessings." True to his word, Detective J. Man pulverized The Count like
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4blasted the ink-shooting violator all the way back to the Mesozoic Era. "It looks like Crocto-Pussy fought the laws," Manatee reflected, blowing smoke, "and the laws won."
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6The corporal hadn't stopped eating Americone Dream since he was placed in the iron lung. Now his big butt was stuck. They tried sliding him out with butter, but he just ate
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6"Sparky, why are you wearing a vest adorned with fissile plutonium?" The kamikaze dog barked, indicating that he wanted Bob's steak. Now Bob had a choice to make: Steak or Death?
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5his hindquarters' "hardened ho-hoes," hoping he'd Hoffenmist-ed Hydroxybutyrics. "Aha!" said Stan. "The meds were spiked with narcolepsy drugs. No wonder they've had so many bowel
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3Get high with him, of course. And when Bolt subsequently failed an Olympic drug test, he killed himself out of shame. But there were more musicians in need of death, like
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6Weinerslav, a slavic lava lamp-loving guava-juicing java drinker. Jim would introduce Mr. Weinerslav to teach cow wranglers and spittoon spitters about consonance, assonance, and
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0"Stick a finger in my butt and call it hershey chocolate." "Not now, Mr. Crockett," said Yankee. "The redcoats are coming."
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4a Calamari-On-a-Fried-Stick booth opened next to mine. I was no match for Southern fair fryer ingenuity, so I had to resort to sabotage. I replaced one booth's bacon with low-fat
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5Snapple lids had the most interesting facts. One time I got one that read, "A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes." This made me curious, so I
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5as a result of his schizophrenia. He called the voice "Jeremy." After school one day, he said, "Jeremy spoke in class today. He told me to make an energy drink with cocaine in it."
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3couple Student of the Month bumper stickers and slap 'em on your car. Your son isn't a crackhead. Your daughter isn't a stripper. But my kids are, and they're in middle school.
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2had to be packaged separately from his Thing 1 and Thing 2 crates - the shipping fees were atrocious. But the Things were a hoot to eat chemicals with; one time at sunday school
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5I'd crouch in his bushes and watch Hulu all night. But one time his Wi-Fi was pretty laggy so I taped a piece of paper that read "Stop Downloading Porn" to a brick and chucked it