It snuck up on me, unaware, but as soon as its icy stream of abuse marched across the difficult-to-bend hairs on the back of my neck--down the 40 miles of bad road that is my spine

In a huge pond, there lived many fish. They were arrogant and never listened to anyone. In this pond, there also lived a kind-hearted crocodile.

The wild west saloon fell silent when Baby crawled in. Gun hand at his hip, Snake-eyes Muldoon spoke in whiskey throated baby-talk "Ain't you a cute widdle oobity-boo? Yes you are!

Sister Mary Tarantula woke from her unexpected nap. The classroom was deserted and the ruler was missing, but she did not need it. Looking eastward, her eyes narrowed. "Putin." She

There is one thing I know for sure about myself: I don't know how to write a college essay. I can ride a horse while standing up and juggling, I can paint a better painting than

Ana was carrying 2 huge bags of groceries back to her flat near the Gare du Nord. A kerb-crawler was following her, door open: "Viens ici cherie" "You think I'm a tart with snacks?

That the beautiful woman was dead was no question. Her skin was cold and white, her body still, silent. The note he pulled out from her bag said only one thing, "Margret knows

"TMI" "Huh?" "TMI - 'too much information', like when your buddy says, 'Since my wife has me on this vegan diet my turds are green.' or . Get it?"

He was old. And he was stupid. He was the last of his kind. Facing total extermination he grabbed a butter knife and plunged it deep into

"Hi, Y'All. Today we're making Black Strap Molasses Bacon Cookie Pancake Butter Cream Puffs with a Bourbon Vanilla Fudge Twinkie sauce," gushed Paula Dean. Her eyes gleamed like

You want to hit me with a stick. But all I've got is a guitar pick.

Contenders for male of the century: guy that invented body paint, guy that convinced chicks that yoga/strechy pants/leggings are fine in public, guy that sends the VS catalog, guy

Johnny hasn't been the same since he got back from 'Nam. Sometimes I can still hear him scream,

The luminous figure, off to the East, was known as the Beauty Bell Tower, where all the birds gathered to chirp their tune. Where many luscious flowers threw, ripe for the picking

I tentatively removed a wooden block and the tower came crashing down. It released a puff of red smoke that negotiated its way up Sarah's nose. She

But in the version of Earth that they had just slid to, Microsoft and Apple had both failed miserably. The resulting vacuum had been filled by Timex-Sinclair, and, now T/S 10000s

She stood there, pick axe in her hand, pools of blood by her feet. All was silent,

I submitted my paperwork to the Department of Major Fuck-ups who then mistakenly forwarded part of my application to the Dept. of Incompetence where some geriatrics sent it to

My kitty, Ted, is the biggest badass cat in the world. He weighs 21 pounds and wakes me up each morning by sitting on my face each morning until I can't breathe.

"It's an interesting case, Detective. Apparently this news crew was filming a man being mauled and shredded by feral cats, when they were all blind-sided by something -- else."