Shadows billowed across the patterned floor, concealing the dark figure who stood at the end of the hallway. Fear paralyzed me as I realized the sight of this figure had literally

The tutu really made his outfit, he thought. Why he hadn't worn them before was a mystery, but seeing the envious stares of his coworkers as he walked into Taco Bell, waving his

Fred said hey Hello Mary says What are you doing today? Fred said. Not much where's bob? Said Mary. I don't know maybe at the park Fred said said. Ok thanks. That's alright Mary.

Claire's eyes were filled with fury hatred and she pulled out a gun and aimed towards Linda. She put her in the air, afraid as Claire shot. The foam bullet pierced Linda's shoulder

This is a story of how I changed. Ive been living since 180 years. I feed on animals and have fangs. I never have regretted how I feel and here is how it all happened

The hotline rang at 3 AM. "Hillary?" asked Obama. "Nyet!" "Vlasik?" "Good grief, Barack, it's me, Uncle Josef! Just calling to give you some more tips for populace control."

Really i could see my life come to an end. Was this really how i was supposed to leave? Someone pointing a pomegranate at me. i was so terrified that I

With my mind's eye focused on the idea that an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually create a work of Shakespeare I set about assembling

My latest dieting epiphany is the all-pill diet. For breakfast I have 2 glucosamine/chondroitins, a calcium, a vitamin D, 2 vitamin Cs, a baby aspirin, & a large ginko biloba. For

I have a mansion, sports car, pool, cashmere sweater, and gold watch. I am living the virtual dream. Outside of my social media game, I have a cardboard box and ramen.

How's the weather up there?

I like pizza, but only when my mom sits on the couch with Nicki Minaj.

The self-referential haikus about Mandelbrot sets notwithstanding, Ike's ego was insufferable. His mother often told him

Fact: One in four house fires are caused by a drunk person trying to cook food. Also a fact: Mort had just fired up the stove and was about to add to the statistics.

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...is bread in French.

I sighed. Okay, Johnny, I'll tell you one more story before you go to sleep to be sure that you don't have any more nightmares. Here goes. "Once upon a time there was a young boy

You may of heard of John Henry or Paul Bunyan, but the greatest folk hero of 'em all was ol' J. Manatee, P.I. He dun conquered the mid-west with his intense percepshuns. One time,

Hooked up to Google's mandatory rape machines, we pass our rape with illegal surrealist films, such as "Homeward Bound". What were dogs? What is a cat? Strange green monuments jut

I slid down the zipline which was high above the sea of lava. There were creepers everywhere. There was no way out. I was trapped. I jolted awake. I was trembling with fear from

I raised my right hand, said "I do" at the appropriate time, spelled my name, sat down, glanced meekly at the jury, and proceeded to explain to the whole courtroom why I had killed