Just got out of the hospital. Only hurts when I laugh. Feeling fine. I am alive and well. You'll never believe what happened to me in there, though. When I was in the OR,

First it was wine and flowers. Then it was dinner and a movie. Then it was delivery pizza. Then it was warm-it-up-yourself leftovers. Now it's texts about poo. Color; girth; freque

"Your mama!" "My mama what?" "Your mama wears fish stockings!" It was true. There was a tangle of mackerel, sardine & puffer fish caught in them. But my mama was the fishwife

She stood there, pick axe in her hand, pools of blood by her feet. All was silent,

This is me...I live in a colander in the downstairs cupboard... I like cliffs, and Bungee Jumping, but not parachutes or Bungee Cords. This can lead to some unfortunate mishaps...

The X-Men could have stopped the bank robbers and saved the day, but they were too busy bemoaning that they were mutants and no one understood them. The constant whining started

It was a choice of living life to the fullest, seizing the day, or watching a "Heroes" marathon on Netflix with a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red and a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

She gave me that stare. The one where she knows that she's in control. The one where I become completely vulnerable. The one where I give up on protesting. She'll get it anyway.

After Disney sucked it dry and left it to die in the form of 23 installments, the Star Wars franchise received a little mouth-to-mouth from the adult film industry. Episode XXX was

It was a dark and stormy evening

I merged onto I-5 north, prepared for several hours of sensory deprivation. Boredom. Flipping through my CD wallet I saw an unlabeled disk I didn't' recognize. Huh. I inserted it

"Dociousaliexpilisticfragicalisuper". The customer holding the shoehorn/toiletbowlbrush looked at him quizically. "That's a buck fifty. " "Oh, I thought you said

When it came to the women's ski jumping world championships nobody expected Mobitu from the Democratic Republic of Congo to even qualify. Mobitu had an indoor ski jump at her home

"A fat lady's ass." Dr. Nexus showed him another inkblot. "A box of Krispy Kremes." Billy spoke flatly. "And this?" "My mother." Dr. Nexus looked at me and nodded imperceptibly.

Mrs. Henderson always used a crooked wand with a few little branches. It kept her humble and provided a safeguard, as she had no idea where her intentions came from anyway. On the

"Cabbages for Babbages, eh?" Charles was delighted and patted his stricken friend on the shoulder. Tesla muttered, "Sanskrit, gematria? This cannot be!" His eyes emitted excess qi

She gave him a watch-chain. "I had to sell my hair." she sighed. He passed her his present. "How ironic, here are some coupons for Great Clips. Look at the time, gotta go."

Aunt Valetta sent me outside to collect one more squirrel for the origami paper-making lesson. She was the only person I knew who could flatten an ordinary squirrel and create

There I was, looking down the end of the tunnel, and believe it or not, the light was NOT on. So I turned around and tried to

Wanna hear the most annoying thing in the world?