"How did this happen, exactly?" "I'm not

"How did this happen, exactly?" "I'm not sure, doctor. One minute the candy cane was in my hand, and the next thing I knew, it was stuck in my

...well, you know. My A-S-S." Gwendolyn spelled it out because she could not say "ass." Dr. Peabody tried hard not to laugh, but seeing the candy cane sticking out of her ass was

too much. Gwendolyn ran from the classroom without Dr. Peabody's permission and straight into the women's restroom to get the candy cane out of her A-S-S. In the mirror she saw

That the candy cane was an elf. It winked and said, "Gwen - I'm a magic candy cane. I can help you get revenge against your tormentors. Just get them to lick me and

when their tongues touch my sugary coating, they'll succumb to my magical poison, teehee." Gwen nodded at the candy elf, a shy smile playing on her face. Next day on the playground

two monsters too monstrous to describe in 180 characters. Jackie screamed, and soon they were all running for their lives. Stumbling along after them, the monsters

conferred on their strategy. "Puny humans hard to pick up with massive crab claw." "Whirly-bird throw ouch stuff at us." "Wait for night, easy pickings?" Jackie hid behind a bin.

"We go now. Board with nail, ultimate weapon." Jackie's eyes went wide. Now was his chance! In a flash of martial-arts action, Jackie triple-somersaulted and grabbed the board from

the perp and leaned into him, "Only if you one with board." In another swift motion he bashed the guy on the head with the blunt end, knocking him senseless. Cue victory 70s music.