Deadly quiet, the gang of graffiti vandals

Deadly quiet, the gang of graffiti vandals hopped the outer fence and crept down the compound. Their intended target, a massive roadside billboard facing the westbound interstate,

. They tagged the sign in big red letters, "Doctor Who has a posse!" The increase in geek misdemeanors was a blight on Silicon Valley. Roving gangs of Segwayers would speed

past the desert turtles, giggle snorting as they made rude jokes with reference to obscure science fiction graphic novels at pedestrians. Sweat shone from their pasty faces

which is why fat people should have to wear deodorant on their entire body. Why do fat people like science fiction? They dream about being planets! Why are fat people

always experts on dieting? I had a fat cousin named Vickie. She actually claimed to have invented the bacon burger. She went to Bunk's where they

deep fried bacon in bacon grease and layered it around a solid brick of bacon. All of this was served on a bed of bacon, topped with a light serving of bacon crumbs, set alight by

my bacon grease powered lighter. I smiled broadly at the vegan hippie boyfriend of my little Trixie through the flames. "You want to marry her? Fine. Then eat this."

I passed the slightly undercooked squirrel-on-a-stick to my daughter's vegan boyfriend. Now we'd really see how bad he wanted to marry Trixie. He was about to bite down when the

daughter we had raised slapped the squirrel out of his hands. "You're nothing but a weak-willed, unprincipled people-pleaser. Now get lost." Made me proud, she did.