Dear Cosmo, I've got a friend, a really good

Dear Cosmo, I've got a friend, a really good friend and I've just discovered that my friend has got another friend. What should I do?

Dr Cosmo sat back, pretending to care about this statement I just made. Finally the good doctor broke silence and gave her verdict; Quit lying. You have no friends, she said.

It was a stunning observation; it was indisputably true. As a toaster oven, the notion of "friend' is impossible. The best one can hope for is "responsible owner". Dr Cosmo closed

his eyes, recalling the strange but exhilarating relationship he'd once had with a refrigerator. Oh, she was a cool one. Dr. Cosmo opened one eye and reconsidered the toaster oven.

If the door had not opened then David would have kept talking to fucking appliances all night long. His girlfriend Nicole interrupted the psychosis of 4 days without sleep brings

with a haldol injection. Slowly the appliances stopped copulating. "You've ruined my appliance breeding experiments!" wailed David, still slightly delusional. Nicole said, "Sexual

projection. The appliances aren't having sex. You're not taking your meds." "Don't listen to her" said David addressing the love seat, draped on her bulbous Up 5 chair.

"That's right, Angie, I'm not taking my meds and I can see clearly now. And get your dogman David off our furniture! Who are we but appliances having sex in a kitchen we cannot per

perceive clearly? No, I tell you. We are above the rough and tumble of this world and it's our duty to handle things efficiently." With those words ringing in her ears Angie