There is a 1% chance that I'll make it through

There is a 1% chance that I'll make it through the next 5 minutes without eating that entire chocolate bar in my desk. Did I say 1%? I meant none %. No! I will not eat it! I will

Here. Blow. (HONK!) There now, do you feel better? You really should not try to snort chocolate bars, you know. Normal people eat them. But you aren't normal, are you?

How do I know you're not normal?Your appts.are in a date book, not your phone. You send Christmas cards, not holiday texts. You bus your own table at Taco Bell. You don't tailgate.

Then again, maybe you're just outdated? Not everyone is cut out to be tech savvy I guess. But you should really try tailgating & update your appointment book to a phone app! I mean

really, nobody likes people like you who don’t generate ad income for anybody. You don’t Gram, tweet, Tumblr, or Grinder. You use a text only browser which doesn’t support flash.

You use PINE for your emails. Yeah, you like expunging your inbox, don't you? Why, I gots a good mind to sudo rm -rf your obsolete ass right out of the kernel, if you get my drift.

But by this time my mind had drifted off on the pine-scented breeze, and I didn't hear his threats. I thought I was atop one of the Himalayas. But then his dreadful fist punched

me squarely on the side of my head, at the temple, and the evil life-forces from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, which lay mutely for 4 decades inside my mind, woke … stalking souls

circled the bridesmaid's dress offered at a 50% discount at Macy's fire sale. The onsite rent-a-cops knew there would be bloodshed- t'was kismet. A whistle blew. The carnage began.