hygienist. Tooth care from a beak? What'll they think of next? The albatross'll probably regurgitate in my mouth when he puts me under. Gross. I hate all birds and hope they die.

A collector spent millions on a Sean Penn & Robert DeNiro “We’re No Angels” poster. I laughed. I’m the Altar Boy in the poster; that’s my body with DeNiro’s head superimposed

-ated by. M. Popeye, dropped & blew his pipe. The blow turned into a fog horn; alerting the Gendarmerie. M. Popeye caught the pipe & used it to reach Pierre's corpse in the Seinne

I flew over my own head at her neice's bat mitzvah. I told her, "No, it don't mean a thing if it don't mean a thing. If you know what I mean? It's not a thing." "You just proved it

During a night of drunkenness and disorder, the Blue Fairy ingested the Violet Fairy, whole and alive. Above her high-pitched shriek, the now Ultraviolet Fairy was heard saying, “

The road least traveled through Justin’s mind was being taxed; Justin lacked money and management. The road least traveled was both boundless and busy; Justin was neither of those

took my slap in stride. He grabbed me by my elbows to keep me from slapping him again. "Katherine Hepburn was in a 1974 Tromavision production of "Arsenic & Old Lace 2." I couldn't

"But are you really broken," said the shark to the seal, "when in fact, you are healing?" The seal shrank back. "Good sir, it is my heart that is broken," it said, "and that shall

Meanwhile in the 27th & a quarter dimension the ramona periwinkle had trekked with all their equipment to a remote ashram in Sri Lanka to record Prof. Lumu Loolis's rendition of an

I see her ambling when I take out the trash; she’s got no income, but she’s got plenty of cash. She often walks away when she really wants to come & watch me do the hum and strum.

The man let out a whale of pain. I don't know where he'd been hiding the whale up until that point, but the sudden appearance of a sadistic Blue Whale startled the party-goers.

"Mr. Mangus," said the prosecutor, "why are the pages of this erotic magazine so crusty?" "I dropped my toast on it," Sam replied.

Except toilets, clogged or otherwise. I had a bad experience back in '99 and my left thumb hasn't been the same since. Anyway, just ask for Busted Thumb Jack on the hotline.

I wasn't afraid to stand up for my beliefs, and I believed that licorice ice cream was a terrible freaking idea. The witches disagreed and tied me to a stake in the yard.

Suddenly, Eliza had a wonderful idea. She glanced between the jammed toaster and the cutlery drawer, then grabbed out a shiny silver fork. "C'mere, toast!" she growled.

fridge. It kept the stench of decomposing meat restricted to one room of the house, at least. "Ah, Julia," her father sighed, "you should never have dived into an empty pool."

It's a good business model, really. Either I sell a high quality WolfCo™ blood spill kit with a 12 month guarantee for 20% commission, or I get a free meal. What'll it be, champ?

his feet in a mound of catnip, and began to roll around. "Have I died from my fall, and been reincarnated as a feline?" he wondered. "No," said a policeman who had landed next to

" Just then, Ovine Jimmy's girlfriend Jenny the Ass (it's complicated) swam by. He kissed her man as she listed him onto her back and carried him to the shore. "My father's ghost

Mechanical elves who’s language communicated pure inspiration. On one visit an especially beautiful elf advised her to visit foldingstory.com where she might