"It was a dark and stormy night." Scratch that. "During the whole of a dull, dark, and soundless day..." Nope. Plagiarism. Aw geez, thought Floyd, I've got writers block again.

Last friday night I

one day i decided to go to a park and i met a talking dog who told me that burger king is giving away free burgers to any body with a talking dog. so me and the talking dog went

One of my biggest regrets is letting myself believe that we had something.

Drucilla was a very ample girl.

If she'd known she would be dangling like this, she would have worn something different that day. Not that she should be worrying about who could see up her shorts right then, but

"There he is again!" I stopped my DVR and looked at the paused screen. In the background, stood a man with a rucksack, cane, wire rimmed glasses, stripped shirt, and stocking cap.

Well my knitted afghan condom didn't work because

He listened to They Might Be Giants which only confirmed he was a nerd. But he was also dumb. Being a dumb nerd was like being the lumpen proletariat because

Undeterred, he set about his work. With such high standards, surely someone would realize the perfection of it all. All he needed was enough time and attention to detail.

They had battled for control of the trailer park. Residents fled to Texas to escape bloodshed. He was tired. He sent a peace overture in the form of a fermented pork sandwich. This

Excerpt patient 101: I saw light around me. And my dad dancing with his suit. Mom is lying in bed with a man called J. Daniels. I laugh, I fly away. Can you fly doctor? I can.

Squirt me she said. She pushed out her chest. He hit her will full force. Hot liquid shot out from the garden hose because it had been laying out. Her neck burned and she

A naked redhead walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 2-foot salami under the other. He lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be

It wasn't that Donga minded being naked in front of Parliament, really. It was more like there hadn't been enough time to think up a witty explanation as to why. No turning back

The menu was, at first glance, a selection of vapid, run of the mill Thai dishes that could be found at any Thai place. He handed it to the waiter and asked for the real menu.

'Friggin things musta shrunk up again' she muttered as she yanked on the denim, and completed a perfect impression of an overfilled muffin cup, spilling out the sides. 'Do these

The diamonds were fake, but Jess didn't care. She knew he could only afford the pretend love, but that's what she was giving him, so it didn't sting as much. His wife's gun was

He'd always been confused: if you could give a rat's ass did that mean you cared more, or less, than if you couldn't give a rat's ass. While seemingly inane, it was relevant to

Calling THIS smog would be an understatement. You could cut this thing with a knife and put it on bread. "How do you navigate through this without a horn?"