read on the 19th layer of the onion's version of The Onion. Everything got murkier the further down they dug into the onion. By the time it got to center, Prez. Vidalia was King Vi

Advised her with way too much fondness (truth is…I wanted to take that bird she rewarded me with and thrust it up her nostril until it gets wedged and she can’t pull it loose).

I stopped myself from saying "Bless You" to my screen. Its sneeze had sounded so human. I put my face closer to the screen. "I can see your nose hairs," my screen said. "Where," I

"They're here," Rye said, kicking Stu who was pretending not to be sleeping. As the senior guard, it was Stu's call. Stu mostly stood to look over the crenelations. "In the sky,"

"Do you smell something, Rotting Eggs?" Rotting Eggs took a sniff. Nothing. Then he smelled another nothing. "Somethings up", Rotten Eggs said to Indian Stan, who'd already sussed

I initially asked to be his lab assistant as a ploy to work closely with him. I learned much later Professor Gronk Barnes had used his mind control on me to practice polyandry with

Stop scratching your heads over that one and look at where this moment has brought us. Besa, besa me muchu... The adventure has begun. Mind your manners & tip well. Always have a

cut me off from the trailhead. I saw that was she was doing so I feinted a run towards her. The grizzly Mama didn't buy it. You didn't get to be her size by being stupid. I started

"Ok, thanks for volunteering me, but, sure, I say what you want me to say. I adore melons," said some guy behind me who was watching us shoot the commercial. Everybody turned to

Just one of a lot others who try to tell me what to do. Gravity is my worse enemy and my best friend. They're equal statements. Yes. Then there is that one. You know the one. Don't

It bears repeating. Nothing I write in here is to be taken as my personal view on any subject. When I contribute here, I am trying to hear the Gestalt. I put down what it tells me.

from the heavens like the spirit wind, the kamikaze, pelting him into compliance, prying his hands away from each other and away from my hind parts. How about a cesarean section?

And to be one hundred percent clear, I am totally referring to human race relations in America. I know this can be a dicey subject, but I feel like here and now is the proper place

if Toogs is a robot. 1. Does Toogs contribute to this story. Yes, he did. It could go either way. Robot maybe. 2. Does he know the death face of a Fibonacci Sequence in the Park? 3

Funny how eternity can come around and bite you on the ass like that. That should have been on the brochure when I went in. Or out. At this point, I don't know if anything is real.

"You mean I'm doomed to repeat the same sentence over and over forever?" asked Tippy. "Yes" the Wizard replied "Both of us."

Sure he was a rake who thought he was a plow. Sure he furled some furrows. He still didn't deserve that nine fingered hoe. That lopper buddy of his doesn't help the situation eithe

It is no, "These pretzels are making me thirsty", but I don't even know what these cookies I am eating are. They are somewhere between a goldfish & a mild mannered simpleton king.

For instance, this one time Sticks blew up two orphanages pm tje south side of the republic. It turned out to be good because they were all future Hitlers. That is what the govern

"Sure, Sirs, let me get my manager for you.. Oh wait, that is me. I'm the manager. This is my tour company so I must be the owner as well. I am as well as controlling interest."