Who knew that Habanero and Pumpernickel went so well together? "I didn't," said their daughter.

he could sleep well like the creepy message suggested or he could choose to do something else. He thought about making breakfast AND then sleeping well, if he still felt like it.

pining for the other half-sandwich. The waiter had at it with a sharpie on the 3 panel menu and crossed every thing out but two choices: Live or Die. The man or woman who'd been so

"You sure that wasn't an advertisement for yourself, mate?" they responded. The thing thought for a moment, and then thought of something else altogether. "Have you ever heard of

"Zurvan Rostami, you do look like a lardass," I told him. "Largest lardass in the world, I'm told," answered Zurvan farting and belching at the same time. "Which was 1st, fart or b

chomping away at it, in complete disregard of my routine Sunday schedule. She knew that was my sandwich, she knew... "Hey Mrytle look like you're enjoying that, would you mind

shimmered in the sunlight, and a dollop of blood still kissing the blade flung its way into Uimuikii's left eyeball. "I surely hope that wasn't

In our small village, the School Teacher was an important person. She stood in equal standing with the Witch Doctor, the Medical Doctor, the Apothecary, and the Alchemist. She,

Of course, I will furrow my brow. I'm all in. To make sure I did it right I went to the mirror. When I saw what I looked like I almost defenestrated myself into a 1929 rural Peru.

once upon a drumbeat I spilled my guts out for you. you only went through them to see the future and then fed me to the dogs. i curse that drumbeat and the whores it rode on.

having to perform in a traveling variety troupe which was't much more than a traveling whorehouse but for him. Barkers rarely get applauded but Mr. Cazzo got that honor every night

worry about Hrengor inserting his dollops face down into #17's bill slot ever again. 17 was so grateful that after a while he began giving Hrengor free Clark bars. Hrengor knew it

(And it was a very long nose, indeed.) The New Elephant Man earned millions with his perfume business. But as he sat in his Tuscan villa, looking out at the vineyards with his

eat the rest of this bread, because it is a dry Bavarian rye, and I've never been particularly fond of rye to begin with, but this particularly

to entertain the thought beyond that. A mistake I soon realized as the coins, which by the way, I had stolen from the Lover's Fountain in Florence, rained down and struck Mean Joe.

chain wasn't sustainable so I had to bring the ants into the tent. When the termite food disagreed with my appendix we had to part ways with the appendix. And good riddance. Later,

Ted was at the Saezl Family Reunion/Speed Dating function at the WeBilhkue Resort Hotel in the center of Dilley Texas, Watermelon Capital of the World. Ted was on his third cousin.

be out of town for the whole season but do try me the following year." Then she left with my suitcase & my money & I let her. I already needed her to stop herself for me because I

I'm going to speak you and your son forever because the pair of you disappoint.

The New Elephant Man is the Mandela Effect of 2019. Believe it or don't. Some of us remember the New Elephant Man while most of you only ever had the one.