my witness -- and then a finger that smelled of gin and fried onions pulled down my mask. "I want you to breathe on me," said Jessica. She was nowhere near my "type" but I kind of

as I had nearly finished formulating my disquisition and rebuttal to the actor's arch and somewhat passive-aggressive "seul mot", he was set upon by a swarm of

The end of morals, it always seems, is control. Birds sing, the trees and the greenery grow, but those damn humans are all about control. May I advise patience for some future end

-ve from the headmaster, once I return to this era, if I ever do. If I had done my homework, I would know how to avoid coming back to face the music. I watched as time sped in the

"They're deploying a damper field. Have you noticed? Significant memories, tunes, colognes from our pasts -- all blocked or at least muffled. We need to fight them!" I knew what he

Luckily for me, or not, because I would have been glad to let my life end there to avoid further drama, but The Mandalorian and Baby Yoda happened by and put my head back where

Five thousand years later, after everything had gone all indeterminate and beautiful, Hrengor felt his passing coming on, and knew not where to lay his head and tentacles. M

"Chang chang zalama. Chang chang zalama." The Instructress walked into the strip-mall Transcendence Center. "You are all idiots. You think that chanting that stupid phrase will

the remaining green monkeys from the other night's tea party, using only Phyrugian couplets. Then some brute broke down my door. "Madame says you must attend her soiree tonight."

mortar / I'll wrestle you for porter / and send you to the mortuary." OK, so she often went dark, but Twentydolla had her reasons. Harvard had scarred her. All those damn smug rich

Stack, however (originally popularized by the retrohominid Thorny Thornton), allowed male-ish hominids among our navigators to transit interstellar space with a flex of their pecs.

Shackleton converted his garage into a Victorian gentlemen's club. As we sat in comfortable silence, he started from his chair. "Andrei, close that box before it steals your mind!"

The Night They Raided Minskys. I suddenly want to watch me some Natalie Wood. Would Natalie want to watch my Wood watching? Can she watch my wood? Wax my wood? Wax poetic about it?

retired fire chief who still lived in the broom closet, was irritated. "Sloppy!" he huffed, "Why, in my day we never left the fire house unmanned! Guess I'll have to handle this

But the Louisiana Ladies Temperance League had cut her off after five martinis, claiming that The Lord would have stopped at four. "But it's only half past two!" she whinged. There

another Catacus who had suddenly appeared through an opening in the space-time continuum. The two Catacusi bristled and yowled, alarming an by-standing astronomer. In the fight

time to spank that damn monkey. He’d be better off keeping in touch with himself. A parfait without layers is just creamed aspic. Keep that orangutan away from your Cool Whip!

reciting Macbeth’s famous soliloquy, the one after Lady Macbeth’s suicide, are popular shower activities, but not as popular as peeing & farting. Showering with a friend is popular

I spelled that one wrong. I realized it the nanosecond after I’d tapped Send. For all I know, that might be the way they spelled it in the 1973 that somebody else reading it lived.

I don’t recall at what age it happened. But one day it was finally ok for us kids to have soda pop. Our lives were changed from Before soda pop to After soda pop. Mine was a Neji.