was running. At 11:58 the Unabomber shouts, "Mr. President please sign our pardons." The President stops and gives the Unabomber the fuzzy eye. He harangues him for 3 minutes. Then

"I'm ashamed of how I am living. But being the selfish prick that I am, I am ashamed of me more. So, yes, I will have fries with that. No, make it chili cheese fries with gravy."

The cat walked away. "Ok, you can tell me later if it comes up." All the time knowing that his walking away made it a certainty it would not come up. Then I remember where he lives

I asked the cat living under my house, "If while making these burgers some meat were to fall off the grill for you, for some reason, would you prefer rare, medium, or well done?"

In order to keep the feels away the author had to adopt the third person as he wrote about herself. She knew in her heart's mind that there was no such thing. But the heart's mind

That was because Sarah saw her body as a medieval well that she needed to climb out of. Her body would go to work at Peske, Little, & Mann. The real Sarah was inside, climbing. Age

Grady tripped up the bus steps, knocking the snow from his shoes onto the now wet floor; grasping the rail, he pulled a dollar from his pants pocket and shoved it into the farebox.

amount of pillows could build the fort that would keep Loquacia out. Aunt Mukey hid her food stamps in the deepest recesses of this cushion labyrinth, which was visible from space.

Petrograd, 1924. It must have been Barney's Great-grandmother, Ludmilla. A few weeks after these pictures were taken Lenin died. Ludmilla and her whole family fled to Amsterdam.

and they would only refund a penny of your price, even though the train derailed and some little kid got an elongated penny. But when Penny was tied to the tracks, the train had to

He gave Colin a look that said he was adjusting his monocle to get a better look at him. "Of course not you vacuous twit. Nonetheless, I'll sign for my pieces of eight, Captain."

After the end, in this world that has been abandoned, I peer through the haze and brush aside the tattered pages that litter this land to read these fell words: "first post"

is the middle note on the music staff. Charity McGriffin let out a squawk and chased after a red laser pointer. "Told you she was a conversation maker!" I smugly eased onto Senator

in the breaking headline: GOD CREATES UNIVERSE, SMITES ONE MERE HUMAN! "I FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN" SAYS GOD. The Junior Jumble was too good to pass up! I made my purchase post-haste.

of the Year that year was none other than the photographer for Person of the Year for Time Magazine. "I'm so Metrosexual, I should marry a margarita!" said Rink Firsheen, tap-danci

Knowing similarities to previous media were the only route to greenlighting my pilot, I nodded as genuinely as I could. Now I just had to film "Verne and Shelby" at Mt. Dew HQ. For

"Might I suggest a sprig of celery on your lapel to accessorize?" Hannibal Lecter said. Senator Martin frowned. "Do I look like Doctor Who?" "No, you look like

t out by the odor of puppy kisses. Chernobyl 2; you're there! The Russo-Chinese conspiracy to enact World War III, & you're there! I'm asleep in my room and you are there! Get out!

ways liked the scent of pine. It was a conundrum. By the time Angus buried Enos, the squad had moved on far ahead. The Communist army would defeat the equine invasion. There wasn't

to use your turn signal, stop at stop signs, and not use heroin. Why did following common sense safety rules make everyone mad at him? Herb liked the toilet seat down, but Talia