with you! But Amber, you're so emotionally unavailable, I have choice but to kill you!" Glenn lurched at her with his knife.

life was looking up. Smuttle's previous book, PORN PEEING, had been a colossal failure. So he'd really needed this big break.

I'd hate to never see you again, my precious.

grip you again. Away from my true purpose. Many pitfalls face the righteous. Pleasure & procrastination are only 2 I had to contend with. Right now I was finding I lacked the balls

....lesbians" The cashier rolled her eyes. "What you do in the bedroom is your business, Ma'am. But I'd appreciate it if you two would wear clothes when doing your grocery shopping

Dad, is that really you? Funny how you turned out a cop and I'm a drug dealer!" I chuckled. Then it hit me. Oh crap. This guy might be my long lost dad, but he'd still arrest me fo

the tortilla man! From the commercial! It's him!" Suddenly fans were crowding around me, yelling, clamouring to get my autograph.

"We don't know that you and more importantly, the universe, to use your own terms, doesn't know that & that is the point. Isn't it? Your way, nothing. My way, hope. Take the bait."

There were so many other things she deserved to die over. Definitely not that. But die she did & now Carol's Blueberry Muffins were murderers. Carol committed seppuku on Facebook.

To pass the time you've begun to gild the lily. Sure, you could have bought a robot to do that for you but you think it might be better for your character to do it yourself. Seemly

I decided to take the witch's advice. Took my mother's urn. Was about to chuck into the ocean so she could rest in peace, when suddenly, I heard a scream

I paired well with grungy underwear, type 2 diabetes and copious amounts of nasal spray. He hadn't been on any bus in over 3 months. Not since that dirty tramp whore had asked him

off with it, out of the front door and into her car. The gun lay on the seat next to her. She'd teach him a lesson. She'd teach them all!

again! My precious gnomes! My sweet, sweet Augustus, the centrepiece of my lawn, never to be seen again! I wept bitterly, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of whisky.

Is this what they mean by a midlife crisis? God, I should have done something with my life. If I'd slept with Asil, what could have changed? Would we have gotten married? Had kids?

some unsavoury secrets. Like dead bodies, for instance. Of course, these were just rumours. But you'd have to be crazy to go into the cave to see if they were true.

castle window, there's a beanstalk growing. And that would be fine and dandy, except a squirmy little English man keeps climbing up it and stealing my treasures."

sound of it, she was a bit of a psychopath. Guess I'd have to trust myself and myself only on the space mission.

I switched off the TV, yawning. Man, these late night cartoons were getting weird. Time to get some sleep.

I loved her, despite myself. Just not as much as I loved coffee. To get over the break up, I decided to embark on a new business venture- a dating app for coffee lovers.