I could lure them into my den with S & H Green Stamps, promising lavish gifts from the Far East, gifts like the Chinese Thumb Cuff and a Brybelly Wooden Chinese Checkers set.

Growing up in the third quadrant, I remember my captors being greasy blue-skinned nihilist parasites from some island nation in the South Pacific. That’s why I love mangoes.

It is politically correct to point out your opponent’s political incorrectness, but it is politically incorrect to make fun of your opponent’s political incorrectness on Sunday.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t get behind the “Be Best” campaign—not because I can’t comprehend its importance or that I don’t welcome the meaning, but BE BEST what? Asshole???

Most of you see the image of me exposed, which hangs above my bed, as puzzling and epitomizing a depraved person unable to see the GREAT illustration of self-importance.

with your Tuber Eats and your Logged Menus don't know how good you've got it. Why, I remember one time my mother sent me to collect some pizza for my brother's birthday dinner.

Marge, the Palmolive pitchwoman. She left her gig to follow Dr. Raj, aka Guru Rajneesh, to his ashram in upstate Idaho where Marge & Raj practiced tantric yoga over his stiff body.

Bartharizar Prim was asleep in his brother-in-law’s hammock dreaming his hoodlum dreams again. He remembers winning the two fights he won. He doesn’t remember the others. Ok is OK.

have the balls to breed with the brooding queen, or would he let his noodly noodles wiggle freely alors? Prince Tanticles did visit The Queen of Mars in Exile. "Very Roger Dean," h

"Emmaline, you are right to be suspicious. People are dangerous, crazy, and clever. And yes, it is inconsiderate of me to take a knee for you during peak hour in this restaurant. B

It is so his lizard children may propagate through the human bloodlines to time travel through countless generations to arrive at the future, for Pete's sake. Their tongues lash

She shook her head. "They even paid a person in a bunny suit to prance in the fields. They forgot we had dogs and we learned the fella was quick as a rabbit if he needed to be."

Sheesh, Granddad exclaimed. The park? he spluttered. By God, I'm only backing up good ol' Christine outta the garage for a wash, he managed. He'd willed the car to me, but Pops

I, Darryl Phineas Johnson, of West Shanksville, Arkansas, do hereby proclaim that the following manifesto, as I writ it here on this Friday, March 15, 2019, is the true philosophy

" I ducked as a pearl bead barely missed my head. The seams were on the verge of exploding. "I'd recommend not tossing the bouquet to widely." I said

I will forage for you in field and stream. I will seek you to the ends of the earth. I shield my eyes and vision my revenge. "...8...9...10! READY OR NOT HERE I COME!"

the point, isn't it?" I finished lamely. He nodded, then whipped out his sabre and beheaded himself. I was shocked! "But wait!" I cried, running after his rolling head.

shoulder blades, thank God. Yeah, that's it. BLOW! Ahhhh... OK, so now I am ready to talk, to give you unsolicited advice, to MOTIVATE you to FIX your FAILING MARRIAGE right NOW!

to anticipate. It was really pretty depressing, even for a pessimist. I rubbed my eyes & looked into the endless mirror. It was the same old reflection. But wait! Was that...??!

my iphone security protocol & grabbed my balls: "WHY? WHY.." it wheezed in a wispy, waterlogged tone, "..must you & your fellow humans upload so much junk?!" & the cloud burst into