"But it sure can sing!" And with that, the stone began to croon to a Motown beat. Boris and Sir Rodney spun backwards and donned matching jackets to sing backup. The audience went

but just like pink hair on a rabbi, began to turn dull. He was bored, she was miserable, and the children were climbing the walls of their small apartment. "Let's call it quits,"

Oh, yeah... and who, exactly, is going to pay for all of this great care I'm about to bestow upon your ship and its human passengers? I suppose you'd like for me to do it all for

Yes...even the most desperate of desperados have moments of weakness...sometimes, that weakness leads them toward their demise...sometimes that weakness leads them toward salvation

I have about as much passion for dieting and exercising as I do for kidnapping and embezzlement--which one will help me reach MY goal the fastest. The only thing off-limit is muder

The Stone That Wouldn't Listen. Chapter One in which Boris gets their coats. In anticipation of their imminent departure, Papa motioned for Boris to go see to our coats. Snow was

The Woe of Aftermath.

all the way down the stairs and broke my spline, (which I luckily didn't need) grabbed my wallet and ran out. The ice-cream truck was already driving away, but I ran after it and

The little bastard was racing up and down the aisles--the Spanx aisles--giving all the middle-aged women a combination titty-twister/ass-grab. Ten...couldn't have been older than

I was born and raised in Sun City; I've lived here my entire life--all fifty years of it--without once coming down with as much as a sniffle--until today. I guess I should move

but by no means was I avoiding the zombie either; he too had to answer for my inconveinence of late pizza. The delivery driver snapped his head back to look at me and

Milly forced Lilly so hard against the cage that the cage broke. They both fell out. The two mice ran around through the house fighting and pooping everywhere. The landowner

Saying you haven't brought it up is bringing it up. I wasn't even still thinking about it until you brought it up by noting you hadn't brought it up. I suppose you had a reason for

It's bringing it down. Seriously, murdering people in your basement brings down the property prices of the whole damn neighbourhood. Quit being so selfish, Gerald!

Who knew that Habanero and Pumpernickel went so well together? "I didn't," said their daughter.

he could sleep well like the creepy message suggested or he could choose to do something else. He thought about making breakfast AND then sleeping well, if he still felt like it.

pining for the other half-sandwich. The waiter had at it with a sharpie on the 3 panel menu and crossed every thing out but two choices: Live or Die. The man or woman who'd been so

"You sure that wasn't an advertisement for yourself, mate?" they responded. The thing thought for a moment, and then thought of something else altogether. "Have you ever heard of

"Zurvan Rostami, you do look like a lardass," I told him. "Largest lardass in the world, I'm told," answered Zurvan farting and belching at the same time. "Which was 1st, fart or b

chomping away at it, in complete disregard of my routine Sunday schedule. She knew that was my sandwich, she knew... "Hey Mrytle look like you're enjoying that, would you mind