But Satan wasn't interested. He just kept looking down at his smart phone, tapping away at Flappy Bird or some Russian virus crap or some such shit that GrayStillPlays faps to.

did I lost my clavicle? I always kept my instruments in tip-top shape, and now it was coated in salsa. And I thought this was the kidney pool, not kiddy. Still, hunger was hunger,

chance to watch some freak stores while telling yourself it was sort of okay was popular in West Virginia. Retail chains (and their parent company subsidiaries) competed in events

fell flat on my ass. Turns out having wings for all of two seconds doesn't make you an expert. How did baby birds do it? I used to drop them out of trees all the time, and most of

realize what that woman technically did to him. Now he's paying child support despite the fact that her body is her own and she had the right to get an abortion at any time.

Jim (copyright infringement complaint pending) hussled with the tassle to tussle with the outlaws who'd come to bushwack him. Not wearing most of his clothes was both useful and

at the top of my caps lock. "HOT NOW HOT NOW HOT NOW!" The nurses strapped me onto the cafeteria table, but just then, Lt. Agumon Friday of the Food Police burst in the door.

Then he screamed at what he saw outside the window: A literal shit show. The shit circus was in town, on the green by the East Piss River. He dumped his cereal in the sink and ran

a phat spliff, and on every puff of his self-entitlement, Director Czar thought up another dirty slur for his departed audience. The audience moved onto a midnight screening of

their toques in a twist at the drop of a bagel. I'm Lt. Agumon Friday of the Food Police. There're a million dirty kitchens in the big city, and a million dirty thoughts in my head

"I'm gonna buy it with my imaginary white supremacist bitcoin!" the kids say. Here, then. Here's some free bitcoins for you: $1 $1 $2 $4 $2 $3 $1 $2. There you go; it's all yours.

"Shut up and get in the pie!" the robin screamed to the worms. "Margaret, Margaret!" cried the bluejay. "Ooohhhhhhhhhhhh!" The robin grabbed the rolling pin like it was a cudgel.

your CV, whatever that is, but just as anyone can put anything on their resume, a resume can contain just about anything. Two sides of the same coin. "Puke and bother!" said the TV

both. A baboon actor in a baboon suit," Mort explained. But Wally wasn't feeling up to task. He didn't want to catch some creepy evolutionary cesspit with a disturbing red anatomy.

to drink all the coffee in the house. And four-year-olds do NOT need caffeine. Or food, water, or oxygen. Why, when I was four, Diana, I had to get by on my good looks and charm.

And that was why Gerald decided to become an ice guy instead. But a leopard can't change its stripes, and he ended up just fighting criminals instead of being evil. Evil sucked.

"Uh......huh?" Llyod awkwardly held the $20 bill, waiting for the cashier to take it. What's with people today? Strife, wounds, hot blood? All I want is my pizza. He took a breath

It was amazing that he would become President of the United States. Actually, not that amazing. His upbringing pretty much fit the mold. Speaking of drunk tanks and rectums, have

The problem with rice and llamas getting together, Igauna thought while driving, was that problems always followed. Especially during a non-moon of honey honeymoon. The car then

sued a hearty:"Good show!" as my pee drenched his posh shag. Having fed me, the prof said:"Now's your turn to help" and led me to the attic, where a sign read: "Human Experiments".