Trader Joe called the cops and had me arrested for trespassing. I suppose that checks out. And just like that, my dream of kidnapping TJ went up in smoke, along with my pants. Oh

a hot dog as a joystick. That's odd, I thought to myself. What kind of game would make you use a delicate piece of food as a control mechanism? I decided to investigate the article

in my hands. I had to let them fall into a shot glass instead. It was ironic, in a way. Mom always joked about saving our tears for later use. Now her strange sense of humor rang

at the corner of Hodgely and Bacchus. That hospital sucks. I'd leave a zero-star review if I could, but Google and Yelp both force you to give at least one star. Instead, I gotta

its most recognizable parts, like its head and hands. It was very strange indeed. Kind of like one of those nightmares that you can't awake from. Perhaps I was dreaming? I couldn't

Just gonna let it slide, just like a baseball bunt // Oh, you just can't see, what the hell is wrong with me // But when the time is right, we'll bunt balls into the night // Oh oh

Custer just looked at the guy like he had lobsters coming out of his ears. "Say again? Something about Lulu Muzzle Tough?" It was hard being a starship commander when your crew did

began sharpening the butcher knife that Santa kept in his desk. Comet knew that Santa always kept it near, in the unlikely event that the reindeer would revolt. Rudolph's time was

could be defeated in a simple game of chess? Not really. Death loved to play Chess, and he always won. The fifth-graders would be trivial, as demonstrated by Theo, the dead kid who

your firstborn in today, you'll get another bonus CD, from pop sensation Therena Malp! Don't miss this once in a lifetime deal. Turn off the TV, walk 40 paces left, then chant this

When no one was looking, she swiftly gathered up the dead man’s clothes and carried them to an abandoned JC Penny’s—where her collection of charred mannequins awaited.

his trusty sidekick, Crusader Koala, as they wandered a hall of mirrors. The Grilled Cheese Maker laughed as Kangaroo and Koala stopped to "reflect" upon their journey. It was time

blasted through the windshields of the next four cars before going hypersonic and flying off into space. The tiny shoe broke all speed records and eventually achieved Warp Ten.

what you got when you dropped out of Disco Clown School. "If you can't pass the class, oh, you don't get the afro." That's what my pappy always told me. The rainbow afro was the

-f every January, March, May, July, October and December for each of the last 20 years. And yet, I still couldn't find my son. The AI was smart, but completely unable to help. So I

tongue. They were breathing heavily into eachothers ears. "I want you," she whispered, but suddenly, he froze. He just stopped and put a few steps back. "What are you doing?"

discovered that the phallic steak was not actually steak, but an actual phallus. Bull phallus, specifically. Although I didn't necessarily balk at the idea- it was still better tha

, 1997; it could even generate photorealistic images of her bloated corpse sinking into Lake Superior at 3:26 am, down to the water-tugged ridges that lined the skin of her palms.

that! Rookie mistake. The adversaries locked eyes, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. The cheat was first to break eye contact, gazing at his board, feigning focus.

the liar she thought he was- but no feeble words could convince her. He began to grip tightly to the doorframe, as if in danger of being forced out by a supernatural force.