The crew set out for the op-shop, masks on and wallets bulging. "I'm going to buy so many used jigsaw puzzles," declared Stacey. "Well, I'm going to find men's flannel shirts,"

the terrible blockages it caused in my intestines. The shadow shrugged. "It's your arsehole, I guess," it said, before vanishing into the night. I took another bite of my hoodie.

That was largely thanks to the enormous glass dome that encased the town of Dullard. It made the town resemble an ugly snow globe.

Here's a few things for you to sign before we get started. You know, just for legal reasons. Here's a pen. Only once you've signed do you get to see the new lingerie I bought.

I had to grip of myself. "My head is not about to explode," I told myself. I wasn't buying it. "That's what they all say up to the point when their heads explode." "She did say I

"And we can't even object, for fear of incriminating ourselves further!" cried Zetawilk, as tears fell off his cheeks and onto his piano. "Let's talk FS underground, then!" yelled

over the levee and into the big boss' secret lair, an unobtrusive tree house. The big boss only had a moment to realize that the jobs bomb had come through the window and landed on

a biplane's propellers slowly, deliberately. I knew then that she was having some feelings about moving back to Heck. I hadn't considered the sexuality of planes before. Was that

him. “Come on, Space! Just one plant!” “That’s Mr. Coyote to you, Dope. I don’t need my leg fixed!” “Have it your way, Arnold,” I guffawed, “You’ll never rake all those leaves

had to call the game because global warming melted the rink. Just like that, everyone in the NHL was out of jobs. What could our skills possibly carry over to? Mail processing?

"Yeah, but you're telling it in 2021," the guy at the Carvel Ice Cream counter shouted at me, "so put on your damned mask! Look, even Fudgey the Whale is wearing one!" Well, I had

I was an instant nobody, but my humble life found true love. After we wed, on our honeymoon night, my hands caressed her bosom to discover her nipples were stickers. "The hell!?"

Ralph Emerson farted and tried to blame it on his compatriot. Annoyed and embarrassed, the two parted ways. The compatriot changed his name to Early Earl and hosted buffets at the

a Ninja Turtles costume made from taffeta. We chased the ghost boy off with a pair of Nun-chucks made by actual nuns from the Convent of Barreiro. The end." Wendy, John, and Mike

wife pronto, one that didn't lose interest in sex just because she was a zombie. "Brains" she would repeat. "Is that all you ever think about?" Ned snapped back in exasperation.

of Fort Knox, if you know what I mean. But, she's rich, so I got a nice settlement after the divorce. However, she learned from that, and demanded a prenup of her zombie fiancee.

he said, "but at the rest of it, I'm dead meat up the creek." The rest of the Grammar Police shook their heads at this remark and sentenced Soupy to 7 years Hard English. "No!" he

empty his dusted pipe. The vodka hadn't improved his aim. The ashes ended up mostly down the shirt collar of a midget. Cross-eyed, he tried to

Possibly prostrating his penis before them, or pining for the fjords on the precipice of his pituitary gland paraphernalia. Ptolemy partook plenty of pot, which was why he smelled.

their pictures posted on Facebook™, with scrawls making fun of their appearance. You know, calling them fat, or similar bigoted remarks. The Chessmaster needed to be stopped. The