in a long line in Hell, waiting to see some tepid new version of The Lion King that I'm not in the mood for. Yet here I stand, cursing the motionless queue, knowing I'll miss the

are always other parents hovering over you with their styrofoam coffee cups telling you that you're doing it wrong. It's always "pinch the buds for a second harvest" this and

chance to show her I wasn't a locust. She didn't wait 17 years to hybridize with a fool. Darla had the most enchanting five blue eyes of the brood; she deserved the finest xylem in

Sweat off my brow and realised I had enough food to last me several winters! But then I had an even better idea. I could sell all this chewed up human flesh on the black market.

But we would be damned if we bought any Earth food from the many Chop Suey joints they opened on our planet to feed the miners who were robbing us of our precious Aertinium. But

that the handles had to be turned, not the faucet itself. "I'm such an idiot!" he scolded himself as he ran down to the creek to get water to cook the noodles. By then the meat had

that climate change doesn't affect you!" But even as I spoke, the drink I had thrown in his face began to seep into his circuitry. Sparks crackled in his nostrils and smoke wafted

entered my nostrils as well, in a puree that Ann herself had thoughtfully prepared. Half the town thought I was a carnivorous maniac, ergo the explosive mouth clamp, but the others

Ardan got off his shuttle at a station on the 37A dark-matter tendril and stayed there. "What am I? A 3d-printed man eating 3d-printed food, doing stupid corporate busywork." Just

They shared a love for brandywine, and for just sitting in the evening listening to the sounds of nature. Josiah Lee the crocodile farmer would often invite the genteel half-dragon

Pedro was expected to prove himself as a trustworthy friend? Even if they did the betrayal? He wanted to beat them but his loneliness spurred him to act on their command.

"Look well upon this meaty hand – it is the hand of a glutton! Of a man who had his hand in every pie until I cut it off!" The small crowd in the park drew closer to the thin man

BrG'ig2 looked up at the Bright. The Bright was relentless on this planet. The local insects called this island Manhattan. It didn't feel like a manhattan. Their tall constructions

As I sat there anticipating F.B.I. Agent Jay’s return from a phone call, I spilled my story—the story I expected him to accept as true—out of my mind while talking aloud to no-one.

And I assumed that my assumptions were right. Now, here I sit, slouched into the worn cushions of my lounger, my palms wrinkled from sixty mediocre years. I'm comfortable. Too comf

given a full jury trial. The elephant was represented by Mr Gator, a famous attorney from Georgia. "Ladees and, uh, gentlemen of the jurr-ay," Mr Gator began, "this here pachyderm

e negative connotations associated with fedoras. Neckbeards ruined a perfectly good hat! Even this lovely man I was fitting was wearing a "My Little Pony" shirt and smelled like

I climbed out & found my neighborhood deserted. It then dawned on me that if I slept in the Jacuzzi, that means I'm... A sinister, dark-clad figure materialized, hand outstretched

swarm over him like piranhas, leaving only his skeleton and my wallet. I thank the penguins as the police drag them away for public intuxication. After 3 weeks in jail, they come

upset with my for eating them because they began pecking at the inside of my stomach with their hard-to-digest ostrich beaks. So I swallowed an alligator to eat them so that they