Jacob raised his hand tentatively. “S-sir, if the world is about to end, why does it matter if I use the bathroom? I just really got to pee.” I gestured at a potted plant in the co

the desk drawer slightly and peering in with my one eye, I saw a tiny boy sitting in a tiny desk, watching pornography on a tiny computer. He looked up at me in horror. “Fweqf!”

peewee brain realizes it’s just Webdings font. “The alien overlords haven’t answered my prayers today, and never will,” I realized. Years past by watching The Office in german.

"Your Mama got laid!" I snapped back at her. "Y-you mean... you are my father?" she stammered, "but you're so old! And flabby!" "What part of 'time travel' don't you comprehend?" I

It's true. Sometimes I don't really dig deeper than I have to. I might not like what I bring up. I'm talking to myself aloud, again. I thought I'd left that little bugaboo behind.

We can not allow Time Travel to be available to just anybody. Any changes to the past will have reverberations that will eventually catch up with us. Who knows who we will be then.

er Jalopy in the way only way she knew how: Jalopily, using all 12 of her hippie toes. She looked at herself in the mirror. "You looking bangin' girl!" her Hepcat said.

I think he's wrong. There've always been kooks, geeks, pervs, & all sorts of odd people. Most of us never heard about them because we didn't have the 24 hour news cycle we do today

I got the message too late to change mine. What went out, went out. Karma said there would be drama and not for me to dip into my dogma. "Don't be phlegmatic about it, either." I

Next, I plan to master the art of eating beets, and then Stella D'oro breadsticks, and one day- who knows? Dog food? The sky's the limit. And with my gas-propelled digestive tract

Even though he didn't reply, I could tell by the flash in his eyes that his mind had been blown. "Oh for freak's sake, pull yourself together," I said, "use the force." I thought

So I walked out, the milkshake dripping from my face and onto my blue suede shoes. I had to mispronounce my grandfather's name, or the tabloids would come after me with their

yrone showed up while Kevin was on the line. Tyrone had forgotten a gift that he had left in the desk. Kevin didn't know who this man going through his desk was. "I'm Day shift," T

The guards were embossed into the living rock and their names taken away. Through the long ages they forgot they ever had one. They recognized each other by their missions only.

"Creeps checking up on creeps is like crepes cooked on the wrong side of the pan." So began, Quirfaghbai, that late afternoon in November. He was letting us share his sauna because

I liked it like that. I really didn't care for children or their birthday parties. I put out my shingle one dark night, Humorless the Clown, PI. The cases I handled were usually

Suddenly a wild wind barreled up at us and knocked George into the statue and he didn't come out. George had found what he had been looking for, just not how he would like it. My

ed some new bars. That last time I had been there I felt like Bruce Dern in Rio Bravo. I looked at the others who were taking the ride with us. The guy with the ripped gouges had

who was dressed in a wigwam eating rats & lots of spam. His squeaky voice made me moist. I fought myself to keep it cucumber but I could already hear the orange juice pouring down.

and then tripped over the USA TODAY case. They kept forgetting it was there since it was always empty. Randall had still been doing jazz hands when he hit the floor & his fingers