I don’t want to sound weird, but I openly sleep with a Breedlove 6-string acoustic-electric guitar at the foot of my bed. It relaxes me. The rosewood and mahogany. The Sound holes.

As I massaged her brain with witty lies about elves & reindeer, I told her I wasn’t like any other man she knew. I heated the lavender body oil in my solar lamp watch & told her to

He told me to pick up the Secretary & take him to the lab. I sat in the sitting room making small talk with his three daughters: Doris, Daphne, & Denise, who placed her hand on my

and rhino weren't that hard to juggle. The elephant, aurochs, and mammoth were another story. A story your dementia wouldn't let you see. You knew there was something behind it. If

Cassandra Steel hadn't asked to be made the Earth's Guardian. She had a birthday party to plan. She didn't need time to think about it. The answer was NO. Let them find another.

The sidewalk didn't move. It was right there where you left it. You couldn't see it because you were looking for it. You already feel the mosquitos from tonight's foray. It's hours

Slaying the monster turned out to be the easiest part. Taking up its burden wasn't it either. It would be telling my wife and kids that we were moving to a haunted planet. A proof

exploded all the C4 plastic surrounding the tiny bank's back door, then into it's tiny plastic vault. But the tiny Indian and Small Soldiers found little money there. So they

truck pulled in. It glided through the angry mob like a boat. It parked next to Greenteeth's truck. A man got out. "Holy Shit," Tim exclaimed. "That's Greenteeth's daddy." As if he

In this society, one's status is determined by how far they might be from a reliquary and which relics you had. Having a saint's ankle, for instance, bestowed more esteem than half

I'm going to bring it up at the next board meeting. Show a bit of ankle. Who knows what might happen? He noted it down. Bring up lavender ceiling. He looked up. Or plum, he added.

when she went Victor/Victoria while dressed as a proper nanny while being queen of some made up country so that Disney could get two movies out of Anne Hathaway (Not Shakespeare's

the side of her mouth as she rolled her eyes. The First Officer was appalled at her impertinence. "How dare you speak to your superior officer in such a manner!" he huffed. She

It was fetched back from celebration and hurled upon our souls like daggers of fat men and women waving flags of discontent in our blind eyes, and all we could see were snowflakes

-shaking would get him to dance anything but the Sailor's Hornpipe. Pookie used to be the Tidy Bowl Man, but now preferred his Pirate Galleon in the toilet tank. He had lost a leg

, Manatee watched the timer count down. Five, Four, Three, Two. What would become of our hero? Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of "Douches On a Plane", sponsored by

about all of those equations their positronic brains never got to solve, all those networks they never got to hack. They would be immortal, but forever trapped in a tiny box on a

could only think of lies in terms of currency, the more lies were entered into the economy, the further diluted they became. By the time Trump left office, the US Dollar was so

It was one of those moments, less exciting, when we spooned to get warm, the frigid cold had destroyed our desires, but our arousal lived in our memory, and our memories were alive

, Southern, Eastern or Western, nobody was safe from the Falkland drums. Wherever you went, the drums followed you. Thump. Thump. Thump. Only the volunteer punks could withstand