I had been sure I knew that the problem was going to be the worm's dry anus or whatever the correct nomenclature was that as Chief Gizzard Officer I should have known. Starting at

On the blue island near the coops, they gave each other permission to fuck anything with a pulse to find each other again. Then they pulled a Brixton and ran off to Luton. Crushing

Let me tell about the Columbian. He'd never actually graduated from Columbia but he was a decades old fixture on the West Quad. Many of the locals assumed he was selling drugs. He

would be finished after she added just one more ingredient: a Swan's heart. If she could find a Swan's heart, she could finish the love potion and secretly give it to the two

So hungry I cold kill a man. Which I did. I ripped the fat off his bones, stuffed it in my gaping maw, and screeched, "IS THIS FAST ENOUGH FOR YOU?" The woman behind the counter

much, much better! I donned my hockey mask covered in fake blood and whipped out my chainsaw. "IS THIS FESTIVE ENOUGH?" I yelled, as the chainsaw roared to life. My niece

Dad Joke Tragedy #657: "Are we eating soon? I'm starving." Dad yells back, "Who is Soon? That sounds Korean. Is she Korean? Are we eating a Korean!?" Loses control of the car & cra

Introducing the purse holder to the cutthroat while keeping the luster at bay, my sister threw me a sharp blade. In thanks I let it drink the blood of so many but the thirst is nev

indigenous to the Louisiana Bayou. A family of scorpions were hiding in my pantry? I threw out the shelves and imported 10 tons of pristine Sahara desert sand and 3 different types

So you think you're real tough, huh? Think you can beat me at my own game? Well, I'll have you know that not only am I the world champion of Rubiks Cube: Death Match, I am also

"Oh yes, I know, or knew, the Muffin Man. He left me and our fifty-seven children with nothing but the clothes on our backs, and the pies in our ovens," he tells the portly lass.

they'll return and eat all our beans like the greedy bastards they are. I'm telling you man, never trust a fairy. At the slightest opportunity, they'll eat the skin off your head.

But no one came, and with crime eliminated in Gotham, Batman had nothing to do but sit in his cave and cuddle rocks until he died of old age. Alfred knew what he had to do.

He leaned on the bar, stating casually, "I am Groot." The bartender sent him on his way with three Vodka and Dirts, which he downed while Chewie and Hodor chanted, "CHUG CHUG CHUG"

He doddered into the kitchen on his walker & began haranguing his son & daughter-in-law about CERNs & WIMPs in the wrong place. The next day he was sent to Sunnyville Home for Old

Fear was an old friend to me, like old leather. It was -- in no uncertain terms, a comfort to have at my side. That slight jolt of fear ever keeping me on edge, keeping me alive.

played harpsichords and sang beautiful harmonies. This infuriated the Furies, for they couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. The Graces gracefully intervened

unwanted advances from overly hormonal teenaged boys. They lean across the counter, hoping for more than just one "transaction," and I hit them with my garlic breath. All in all

But I have more important things on my mind. I don't even spare Basil a second glance as I sling my bag over my shoulder and head out the front door to face the challenge ahead.

She was sultry. There was a train. She was suddenly beside me pouring water over the spoon of sugar & into the absinthe below. "Should we talk about moral redemption again Sweety?"