Sadly, this is what we call opposite day, so he really was just driving on the right side of the road to pay his bills.

d that cheese felt against bare feet. The song was bizarre to the extreme... but I couldn't get rid of the tune.

slowly would waste more time than I had. So maybe I could borrow a cup of time from my neighbor.

e musical, composed by me. But those chuckling sounds... disturbing me...

Though, I had to admit. Being held at gunpoint to write a story would be much worse...

The babysitter nodded as the baby, which had grown to a height of 12 feet and a weight of 500 lbs stumbled away, presumably to break some shit in the kitchen.

corn off the floor, the way mama used to serve it. But the thing about common sense? It ain't so common anymore. For example, last week my brother John was

Spoons form a queque and eagerly await their turn. The ice cream truck left you cold, but now the heat is getting to you. You go to the freezer and frantically pull out ice packs.

And so it was. They had after years of hard word, found the most precious artifact in all of Egypt. Not Tut's tomb, no, not the Pyramids of Giza, but the world's first Grumpy Cat.

You're the one who scored a 108% on a Goblinese exam, so YOU had better be the one knowing exactly what type of wart she has on her nose.

The Toaster Monster magically shrunk him, and then she tried to ask Wilson about the Overworld. He discovered that, being of the Fire element, she loathed kitchen sinks.

to pay, except that when the landlord stormed into her apartment and demanded rent, he tripped over a stack of old tomes and toppled over the edge. The inferno swallowed him up.

"We may as well go all out. Alright, he're's the plan." "What?" asked Steven, eyes glinting excitedly "Well," replied Det. Manatee, "Let's frost the whole thing, and bury it under

than have either of those choices. Pulling out my bazooka from hammer space, I decided to go on a personal vendetta against all bad dentists and doctors of unwanted rectal exams..

If only vampires weren't so bloody sparkly! I might've even liked them if it weren't for Twilight... curse you Edward!

The manifold coll.... what? What is it man!?! Don't die on me bro... No... no.... CATFISHH!!!

harmless placebo pills, handing me a bigger, and more realistic version of the bottle I actually wanted in the first place...

ed him. "No," he replied. "You're just ice cream soup now. I liked it better when you were cold."

But it's a Big BOWL!

let's go skiing down Mount Everest. I want my last day to count as much as I can for the fun I have on this earth.