realize what that woman technically did to him. Now he's paying child support despite the fact that her body is her own and she had the right to get an abortion at any time.

fell flat on my ass. Turns out having wings for all of two seconds doesn't make you an expert. How did baby birds do it? I used to drop them out of trees all the time, and most of

But Satan wasn't interested. He just kept looking down at his smart phone, tapping away at Flappy Bird or some Russian virus crap or some such shit that GrayStillPlays faps to.

g how edgy they could truly get. Spicy condiments? Diarrhea? Maybe something to do with the navel? No, their superior eyeball licking was better than everyone else, the cowards.

who doesn't love cramming their gullet full of greasy fat and sodium? Ancient Roman cannibal fetishists used to do it all the time. So I sold a million "Serve Long Pig" t-shirts.

grab a sander power tool and grind on my gigantic wart, and just keep grinding and grinding and, like Mr. Owl, find out what was on the inside. It turned out to be a tiny man named

which he promptly ordered. He'd always been a fan of eating ends, and he didn't ask for an appetizer to start. He waited, thinking about his diner bill reading "The End, $24".

you melon-fucking, Vonnegut-reading, street sign-stealing punk." "I only steal street signs to make a statement on society! The rest you may chalk up to bad taste." Narration broke

wombs with the power of new lemon tide soap, now with a hint of lime!" The mops did the trick, but not on the sewer system which had gained full-on sapience. Now they were screwed.

my strong suit. STOP. I wonder why they couldn't just add periods to telegrams. STOP. Lack of foresight. STOP. Stupidity. STOP. Greed, actually. STOP. I just went thru a red light.

Xenophobic xats xylphoned xantham xebecs, yet yellow yaks yeeted yerts yesterday; zoological zeotropes zoomed zero zeppelins. 1 1derful 1nesday, 2tsi 2ootled 2ogether 2 2nics.

A third even less familiar man's voice spoke: "Ooblah-dee, ooblah-dah, that's a big bra! How the fuck does it stay on? Why, why, did my dog have to die?" The second man told him to

the piss; though not as much as naming him Herman, which the mother had begged for. So wee Hercules went through life, unable to impregnate himself like a third-gen hornless goat.

and I mean that in the most figurative of ways. Funny, I'd never heard of the country of Japan before. Where was I? Right, so I was heading into the post office when all this

Merlin, knowing the old coot of a wizard had forgotten his underpants again. Nobody liked Merlin. He wasn't even a real cambion. Now take Cambert, from Cambridge. He invented the

But the police, they assume everyone's bad. Except one time I heard the sirens and the car pulled up. "Yes, we're the police. The Polish Ice department. Is the heat insufferable?

there for every unimportant crisis that never directly affected you that you could possibly envision, should you have an all-powerful imagination machine sitting upon your head.

her legions of Welsh corgi-like kobolds ensure the sanctity of her burial space with spears aloft and tongues agog, the short-footed little bastards. I'd like to punt one right off

reveals the coward underneath, hiding behind the cheap, showy makeup of "lol random" humor. I give the blown a black eye he won't soon forget. Being serious is a vulnerability. Art

I looked down from the window and saw him doing a handstand and saying "I am the strongest person in this world." Well, he was strong after all he just jumped from 3 storeys.