"But I'd never kill anything," she answered, her voice trembling at the thought. Teddy Ruxpin frowned. This girl was not the pliable minion he had assumed. "But they will kill you

Not literally--that would be horrid! But cuttlefish goulash has trans fats, which are illegal in most states. However, there was a little trick I picked up in preseminary school

She's been working in a potato chip factory ever since her incident, and nobody can even remember her name. So she divorced Lot and got a little dog named Pepper. Since then, her

utum. Now no one could stop him and his stando, King Crimson, who had a tiny face on top of his face that went "bleedleedleedle" when he glad, he mad, or he sad. A big red nose day

-gal growth from Lego's unwashed socks had spread onto the fake Spock ears he used to wear to Star Trek conventions. But now he had no head to attach them to. He would have wept,

He had to log down those white water rapids by ten, by thunder. Thunder was what his kids called his flatulence, which he preferred to term, "angels bowling". "GUTTER BALL!" he

decided to mix it up by using a different search engine. Becca had always felt the constraint of not being able to use Altavista anymore. The hits she got on "twerking xenomorphs"

home base on Neptune that is the kind of things that happened. The Vibesphere was all abuzz over the newest generation of rejuvenation protocols. Fashion you, not your clothes. Of

heard the radio start blaring music by Sonny Bonobo, she knew she had to give up the fight. If only she learned some gravity spells, she wouldn't have tripped over her magic wand.

customer at Marshall's, with brand new men's summer fashions fresh in stock. He could look good AND feel good this summer by taking advantage of Marshall's Midsummer Sale! And the

had a hell of a time at customer service. Next time, I would be sure to do my shopping at Marshall's, for the tasteful environment at affordable prices. Gifts for Father's Day were

"Will you cover me in Marmite and feed my trousers to your orangutan?" Soze knew she shouldn't have eaten all those oysters. "BARFBARFBARFART," she told the Queen of Canada. "BARFA

which is kind of ironic since my best folds come when I really wanna END my life! Chuckling to myself at how we'd created a better fantasy than God's reality, I swatted my keyboard

es who were limited time only. "I think I'll try the salad bar," my wife said. But again, it was a zombie salad bar. There was cole slaughter, diet lettuce, funyuns...I dunno.

a little ditty of a hymn like "Zip a duden duden zip a duden dah," as God swaddled the child, Harold Green, gifting to him a mighty keyboard video synthesizer of legendary legend.

decided yes, leave him to drown in soap, choking to death on the bitter flavor of Tide and the solve-everything taste of Bleach. Francis skipped down the street as the house filled

Volsuminor's stomach and melt into fat pudge you fuck-faced clown of a wine-guzzling whore." This had the opposite effect of what he wanted, as he expected. His mother became Karen

their toques in a twist at the drop of a bagel. I'm Lt. Agumon Friday of the Food Police. There're a million dirty kitchens in the big city, and a million dirty thoughts in my head

"I'm gonna buy it with my imaginary white supremacist bitcoin!" the kids say. Here, then. Here's some free bitcoins for you: $1 $1 $2 $4 $2 $3 $1 $2. There you go; it's all yours.

at the top of my caps lock. "HOT NOW HOT NOW HOT NOW!" The nurses strapped me onto the cafeteria table, but just then, Lt. Agumon Friday of the Food Police burst in the door.