to the darkest recesses of my mind, to where I feared growing old alone. I heard my voice call out to her, "Yes, yes, please make me buck-toothed, like you!" and then everything

A welt appeared on his face, right where I had caressed it. "OMG!" he yelled, "Did you have raspberry jam on your hand? I'm allergic!" He pushed me away and jumped into a fountain

tambourines slapped and shook their zils, jingling for their dinner of Tom Tom and snares, waiting on some throaty warbler to appear in zoot and spandex, slithering across an alien

Finding Private Frunkl was Spielberg returning to a subject he hadn't had the time to cover in Saving Private Ryan. The revenge aspect of the story took Spielberg out of his wheelh

lodge a successful class action lawsuit! This injustice will not be tolerated!" At the thought of financial compensation, the crowd became far more tolerant of the loud megaphone.

about old maritime family feuds. Sammy was determined to get his "Maritime Surprise" down the gullets of every descendant of the Right Honorable Reverend Smedley Bond, aka Captain

took a bite. "This is a great doughnut" He said. Almost choking on the sugary glazed frosting splashed on the top. His moaning and gasps drew a crowd. I only had 11 doughnuts

t relive because there is no over-the-counter itch relief for metallurgically produced hands. And my hand was gold and couldn't even conduct a two-bit orchestra. I was beginning to

with my buddy Sam, when I remembered he'd been dead for about 8 months now. So there I was, thin hair, thin bank account, dead buddy Sam. Things were really starting to look up.

the big red button. The gun had a button, not a trigger. It was big. And red. The gremlin army tried and tried to push that button, but the giant amalgamated finger just wasn't

My escape from this date would not be easy. Why oh why was there a 12-foot wall topped with barbed wire around their backyard, plus five rottweilers and a kangaroo? "I am so dead,"

Her Majesty had miniscule leaves with veins and they refused to fall to the ground like all the others. This was September and October beckoned at the door. The King drank sap.

tries to make it up the stairs into the floor we are currently in. "We have to go... NOW" I scream as we run further up the building to get away. The devil is coming, and I

-cking at invisibility, and that was me. I held back a titter as he glanced around the room for some clue as to where I'd gone, and slipped through the door as he called my name.

some more and aspic. "And aspic?" Riiip! The music came to a jarring halt. Everyone stared at me. "yeah, um, well, you said it isn't Jello in my dish but some sort of "and aspic"?"

No... that’s not it. It looks like... the goose shot you? But... that has to be wrong. The goose squawks, but the squawk sounds like a language. “I caught a big one, Fred!”

just as high as she was. Although Alice didn't know that the 'Mad' hat and the Cat were flipping tripping, she thought it strange that they had blank stares as she pacing.

or, a less subtle approach. I increased my gait almost comically to take a large stride. My legs continued to sweat and my rectal wad still moments to explode. Not in the elevator

shouted back, "Well it depends on what type of tongue you have. A tiger can probably get to the center in 5 licks, on account of their sandpaper-like tongue." My tootsie roll

mathemagician. Her father was a huge fan of the rhythm method because of his professional obsession with predictive statistics and such. He even knew when my cat would give birth!