&money isn't an issue. Oh, to pay the price of ill preparation! Humans scrape for pennies, often outside sources, when they don't get their way. They forget that joy starts in them

wife pronto, one that didn't lose interest in sex just because she was a zombie. "Brains" she would repeat. "Is that all you ever think about?" Ned snapped back in exasperation.

of Fort Knox, if you know what I mean. But, she's rich, so I got a nice settlement after the divorce. However, she learned from that, and demanded a prenup of her zombie fiancee.

he said, "but at the rest of it, I'm dead meat up the creek." The rest of the Grammar Police shook their heads at this remark and sentenced Soupy to 7 years Hard English. "No!" he

empty his dusted pipe. The vodka hadn't improved his aim. The ashes ended up mostly down the shirt collar of a midget. Cross-eyed, he tried to

over the levee and into the big boss' secret lair, an unobtrusive tree house. The big boss only had a moment to realize that the jobs bomb had come through the window and landed on

him. “Come on, Space! Just one plant!” “That’s Mr. Coyote to you, Dope. I don’t need my leg fixed!” “Have it your way, Arnold,” I guffawed, “You’ll never rake all those leaves

"Yeah, but you're telling it in 2021," the guy at the Carvel Ice Cream counter shouted at me, "so put on your damned mask! Look, even Fudgey the Whale is wearing one!" Well, I had

tied up the apartment complex phone line with her incessant gossip, and whenever she strolled past a computer, she would hit F11 to full-screen the browser. Mrs. Harper was a pill.

trials and tribulations of primitive vacuum cleaner robotics, those first Roombas that became dust-collecting knickknacks for the rich and famous; plant holders, & cat perching

Mrs. Bucket-of-Chicken, real name Aileen Tuport from Napoleon, Ohio, got wind of this. She didn't worry a bit. It was well known that billy goats bluff. Sadly, they might've been

nunchucks with fins and scales. One moment they were under her armpits, then flashing toward them. Matt and Tim ducked under the Bunsen burner table as flasks shattered around them

Our lady of Perpetual Fast Food Cravings, whose congregation had cleaned out their vending machines minutes after they had been filled. St. Patrick's had tried buying only bland

called out as she waved a flag from atop the gynecology clinic. Stoats came from miles around to take advantage of Okra's free female health care offer. "There's too many of you,"

And like any good dystopian story this reality had a "hero" who would be privy to how god damned woeful the future really was. What good was teleportation if everywhere you went or

cried both of the Cojoined sisters as they checked into the dial-in orphanage. But life became nicer for Fifi and Deedee, after that. They met a nice boy with a parasitic twin.

Somehow, he did not think this OkCupid meetup was going very well. He spun around on his heels to try and sneak out, but there was Richard, smoking a joint and reeking of vodka.

began the ancient chant to summon the administration to come fix all the bugs cropping up in the site. It mostly consisted of listing compound words including the word "cock", then

" Rosie's voice said, from under a pile of rubble. George dug frantically for a few minutes before he found Rosie's head. He propped it up on an ancient alien TV stand. It crackled

flying cars, and social consciousness! Yes, the people of my new universe were to be technologically advanced, and STILL pay taxes! I was going to win at this game, and so would