causing them to continue the mamushka from atop their horses. Marilyn Monroe & Tony Curtis found that they didn't like it hot when the boiler water started pouring in from up the

Ol' what's-his-face wasn't having any of that malarkey. He caught Bobo's dagger midflight and he tossed it back at him. Bobo parried with his skates. The blade buried itself into a

cks up his sleeve that would make a Scientologist froth at the mouth. Simpkins grew a goatee and a German accent. He bleated just to add flavor to the character. "SIIIMPKIIINS!"

Anthropoligists clique had pasted their manifesto on the wall. They used shit from all 43 of them. A great many Mensa members found their arguments persuasive as well as fragrant.

rupture in spacetime that I could investigate? Which dimension would it send me to? The evil grocer would of course want me to stay, but if I were to just reach into that void,

newspaper. Something was peculiar (as he'd say, "perculiar"). For some reason, Dr. Ruth had answered all nine letters today with "Put a gun to your head; it's the only solution."

lost the case. "Too bad she didn't lose a pound!" the producer laughed. His lackeys laughed too. They rolled the 601-pound woman down the courthouse steps to the press' applause.

It was true, I had only seen the virus once. Every other time, either it had blinded me, or it was too small to see. Either way, I decided I wouldn't stop until I had eradicated

the gas station, as distracted as he was with his performance anxiety, and had poured gas all down the side of his Ferrari. "Oh for the luvva," sobbed Señor Casanova, "The women

at the presidency of the emerging second Confederation States Of America. Archangel Better Davis sent archangel Jimmy Stewart coy fiery letters of the Unholy Spirit. Countersigned

"Yes, you did. And I happen to be an owl," said the windshield cleaner as he climbed into the passenger side and demanded $25. The man stared at his open talon and gave him the

"How unseemly of me," he said as he thumbed the mildewy seam. Trying to rub the mildew away. Then he noticed a bit of honey stuck on the back of his paw. He had a Big Appetite. But

hygienist. Tooth care from a beak? What'll they think of next? The albatross'll probably regurgitate in my mouth when he puts me under. Gross. I hate all birds and hope they die.

Nightly, he would go to the cemetery and gaze at the unmarked grave that he knew held both his life's work and his only legacy. He would have fever dreams the pooh bear rising out

an over the shoulder comment to the widows she'd just made of them. When they stared at her she got angry. "To your duties, NOW!" "I'm captain of a ship of widows that I made," she

And that was why Gerald decided to become an ice guy instead. But a leopard can't change its stripes, and he ended up just fighting criminals instead of being evil. Evil sucked.

"Shut up and get in the pie!" the robin screamed to the worms. "Margaret, Margaret!" cried the bluejay. "Ooohhhhhhhhhhhh!" The robin grabbed the rolling pin like it was a cudgel.

a phat spliff, and on every puff of his self-entitlement, Director Czar thought up another dirty slur for his departed audience. The audience moved onto a midnight screening of

just let it wash over me, soaking my clothes to my skin. I felt as if my own spirit was lifted, like an enigma I didn't need to solve. I waited until the sun broke the clouds, then

did I lost my clavicle? I always kept my instruments in tip-top shape, and now it was coated in salsa. And I thought this was the kidney pool, not kiddy. Still, hunger was hunger,