point, I believed gnats lived long lives, but I soon learned otherwise: we’re pests. We fly around looking for decomposed food and shit to eat; if we’re lucky, we can live 4 weeks

e, now eat your haggis." I shook off Michael's arm. "I'll eat the haggis after we settle the matter," I said. mom had regained herself and glared at me. "Unbelivable," she said.

and taking part in political mudslinging on Fecebook, his master Ned called the vet. "Dr. Quacken bush, my dog thinks he's a person," Ned explained, "He has applied for a mortgage

The invisible forces that I felt were so powerful I joined him for poker. We Earthlings know nothing about poker until we play it with spiders from Mars. I returned home and told

your mis-spent youth. No, getting wedged in the super slide was a rotten idea, anyway. Maybe you could cut your hair and get a job, just like Dad had suggested. But he was a jerk!

ed her booty so hard that her Depends split & the Dude in the huge fedora stared at what he later described as a moldy chocolate starfish, which explained why he tipped granny 50

only further soured our frosty mutual loathing. Like he wouldn't have done the same if Tyler the meth collector had been after him. We got out of the pool. "Neighbor, you take the

only God saw this, He would be quite aggravated, then they realized that He is always watching.

it was all based on a lie. He could never marry his sister. The Gods would never allow it and, more importantly, his insurance agent wouldn't allow it. He would site consanguinity

I will be your witness that you never go hungry again. Lift me up Tara, into your bosom.." Tara looked around nervously. The snake was icky and sexy and she couldn't make up which

portal that would take me back to the happy days before the zombie apocalypse. If I could just show my father his own skull, he would believe me and prevent this awful tragedy. But

about old maritime family feuds. Sammy was determined to get his "Maritime Surprise" down the gullets of every descendant of the Right Honorable Reverend Smedley Bond, aka Captain

will just have to do. Now, shall we proceed with the show?" Alton Brown nodded grimly, wanting desperately to be anywhere else at this moment. The Reynold's Wrap was starting to

Fields of Phuque I never grew as a child. The surface of the crater was smooth glass and both abrasive and slippery; sharkskin like. At certain angles it was possible to see what

"I told you not to name the swine. Now you're seeing their corpses instead of a cornucopia of fresh pork," Ma yelled from the rumble seat turning her gravity bong up. "The skates

stared at her butt in the mirror, missing Janet, who had managed to hold onto a rock & not fall in, yank Jack’s leg until HE fell into the volcano. As Queen Latifah twerked, Janet

soon his poor legs felt like they'd been fried, or sauteed with onions and garlic and a little extra-virgin olive oil. The harder the frog rode, the more delicious his legs became.

right in the forehead of the senator's wife. Good thing she was wearing the kevlar helmet she always wore for fundraising. Kids can be so violent those days because of those damn

but the other guys, those lesser men, all seemed to be wearing Obsession or Old Spice that night and drinking drinks made with Absolut Vodka. I got elbowed during my sacred dance

the terrible blockages it caused in my intestines. The shadow shrugged. "It's your arsehole, I guess," it said, before vanishing into the night. I took another bite of my hoodie.