But I, being a card-carrying member of the Humane Society of Peach Pit, Nebraska, refused to kill the dog. "Well, just neglect me, at least," the dog's eyes pleaded, but I refused.

newspaper. Something was peculiar (as he'd say, "perculiar"). For some reason, Dr. Ruth had answered all nine letters today with "Put a gun to your head; it's the only solution."

Fiona turned off the television and knew who she had to call. "I will find allergy relief!" she exclaimed. She found her way to the kitchen to start some tea with honey.

lost the case. "Too bad she didn't lose a pound!" the producer laughed. His lackeys laughed too. They rolled the 601-pound woman down the courthouse steps to the press' applause.

bis was working more effectively than Dre had hoped, but instead of incapacitating the cannibal, it was just making him even more hungry. "Excuse me, I have to pee," Dre told the

"Of course it is." Beck sighed. He was used to fate messing with him like this. After all, it isn't often that your ex is nice to you. Just so happened that his ex wove his fate.

fix my fucking desktop, but the recovery drive didn't work. I could tell the computer to boot to it, but then it'd just stay blank. "Maybe I can just cut myself," I thought aloud.

It was true, I had only seen the virus once. Every other time, either it had blinded me, or it was too small to see. Either way, I decided I wouldn't stop until I had eradicated

the gas station, as distracted as he was with his performance anxiety, and had poured gas all down the side of his Ferrari. "Oh for the luvva," sobbed Señor Casanova, "The women

"WWCD?" he thought, tumbling in slow motion to the floor from the pickle slippage debacle. "What Would Clausen Do?" he repeated. "Ah-ha!" Brilliance had struck. "Snap!"

He returned the gesture with a toothless grin, which immediately stole my heart. I ran across the room into Professor Plum's arms. Despite his age he caught me easily.

to prehistoric times. My eyes locked at the bottom of the menu. A big red box with "DANGER" written in capitals. Perfect. "I'll have the Caveman Pizza. To go." I brusquely added.

-d through the classroom wall, killing the Civics teacher. A soldier opened the hatch and exclaimed, "I was unclear as to my role in society!", which pardoned him from the murder

at the presidency of the emerging second Confederation States Of America. Archangel Better Davis sent archangel Jimmy Stewart coy fiery letters of the Unholy Spirit. Countersigned

"Yes, you did. And I happen to be an owl," said the windshield cleaner as he climbed into the passenger side and demanded $25. The man stared at his open talon and gave him the

"How unseemly of me," he said as he thumbed the mildewy seam. Trying to rub the mildew away. Then he noticed a bit of honey stuck on the back of his paw. He had a Big Appetite. But

But when he got there the memory silence was brief as, not even 3 seconds in to getting there he started comparing the moments and in rushed the supporting memories with the rest t

Mrs. Beadangus continued to glare. " I don't care how old he is, you need to get the boy help!" Mrs Beadangus was clearly in another one of her moods. Just the other day she had

the venting apparatus". The venting apparatus was some asbestos removal equipment that had been in the barn when they bought the farm. Nora Gene set it up to clear Grandpa's farts.

hygienist. Tooth care from a beak? What'll they think of next? The albatross'll probably regurgitate in my mouth when he puts me under. Gross. I hate all birds and hope they die.