found himself wanting to eat eyeballs in butter over toast. Sourdough. He searched the kitchen for a toaster. Should I cook the eye, he wondered. But when he looked for the eye, it

but to little avail. It wasn't that the director didn't find their act convincing, it was just that he was an asshole. Kind of like an actor. "No, no, you fucking fuckwits! Why

"When the tornado hit," I recounted "I was able to survive by getting into my Fiat 500 and driving." Most people found it hard to believe but I didn't want to out drive the tornado

appeared upon the henge, sputtering and unruly, and swarthy clouds obscured the sun. If she didn't change the valves in time, the feed to the microbial Crepuscule Tabernacles would

another star brand on the arm. Jimmy was a smart boy, so the teacher was running out of unbranded skin on this arm. She thought about what Jimmy had said about Abraham Lincoln as s

feinted to the darkside but Adam West Batman danced the Batdance and I felt like Alice's Vic Tayback in a Quinn Martin Production. I reached for my Remington Steele but he was out.

scent in my canine nostrils. Fresh woodland squirrel in my jowls. Muscles moving in coordinated quadrupedal motion. I am become doggo, digger of holes.

forego buying armor this semester to pay the ridiculous tuition. He knew he could cover the lack by wearing a glamour. Uriah found he had been assigned to an acolyte who was adept

#20. Dance like nobody's filming you with their smartphone. #21. Nap whenever the chance presents itself. #22. Always say 'please' and 'thank you' to the people who pay you. #23

"Of course it is." Beck sighed. He was used to fate messing with him like this. After all, it isn't often that your ex is nice to you. Just so happened that his ex wove his fate.

rupture in spacetime that I could investigate? Which dimension would it send me to? The evil grocer would of course want me to stay, but if I were to just reach into that void,

Fiona turned off the television and knew who she had to call. "I will find allergy relief!" she exclaimed. She found her way to the kitchen to start some tea with honey.

Then the vegetarian PCP fiend made a gorgeous salad for all his PCP fiend friends in the alley. It had been a very unhealthy day for the nudist lettuce, but a very healthy day for

But when he got there the memory silence was brief as, not even 3 seconds in to getting there he started comparing the moments and in rushed the supporting memories with the rest t

newspaper. Something was peculiar (as he'd say, "perculiar"). For some reason, Dr. Ruth had answered all nine letters today with "Put a gun to your head; it's the only solution."

the venting apparatus". The venting apparatus was some asbestos removal equipment that had been in the barn when they bought the farm. Nora Gene set it up to clear Grandpa's farts.

He returned the gesture with a toothless grin, which immediately stole my heart. I ran across the room into Professor Plum's arms. Despite his age he caught me easily.

due to my dreadfully low self esteem and poor taste in people. I blamed this, of course, on the Panoptica drops I put in my eyes every night before bed. They always gave me dreams

lost the case. "Too bad she didn't lose a pound!" the producer laughed. His lackeys laughed too. They rolled the 601-pound woman down the courthouse steps to the press' applause.

Then the trombone and trumpet players joined in the chorus, followed by French horns. A yak was the producer of the session at the Yak recording studios, state-of-the-art. Famously