at the top of my caps lock. "HOT NOW HOT NOW HOT NOW!" The nurses strapped me onto the cafeteria table, but just then, Lt. Agumon Friday of the Food Police burst in the door.

I swear it. I'll risk anything to catch his golden parachute tail. I want to overdraft my way into retail nirvanna. I leaned dangerously forward grasping at the gossamer threads

realize what that woman technically did to him. Now he's paying child support despite the fact that her body is her own and she had the right to get an abortion at any time.

fell flat on my ass. Turns out having wings for all of two seconds doesn't make you an expert. How did baby birds do it? I used to drop them out of trees all the time, and most of

Rhonda thought that the Fork did this, and all of the T-BONE steaks were markers of something that needed fixing, The Code name of the processing plant was Shakti/Kalki Inc. which

-ve from the headmaster, once I return to this era, if I ever do. If I had done my homework, I would know how to avoid coming back to face the music. I watched as time sped in the

But Satan wasn't interested. He just kept looking down at his smart phone, tapping away at Flappy Bird or some Russian virus crap or some such shit that GrayStillPlays faps to.

-tered to the technological carnivores, but vegans just laughed as they got in their flatulence-powered spaceship and fled our polluted world. "You stink!" they said as they sped

would be plentiful for the annual Fiddle Fest this coming Saturday. Pa smiled and rosined up his bow and even momma and aunty sister stopped chasing the cat to do a clog dance.

g how edgy they could truly get. Spicy condiments? Diarrhea? Maybe something to do with the navel? No, their superior eyeball licking was better than everyone else, the cowards.

who doesn't love cramming their gullet full of greasy fat and sodium? Ancient Roman cannibal fetishists used to do it all the time. So I sold a million "Serve Long Pig" t-shirts.

grab a sander power tool and grind on my gigantic wart, and just keep grinding and grinding and, like Mr. Owl, find out what was on the inside. It turned out to be a tiny man named

which he promptly ordered. He'd always been a fan of eating ends, and he didn't ask for an appetizer to start. He waited, thinking about his diner bill reading "The End, $24".

agic stone would eventually come out of the business end of the dog. I just had to wait around for it. But the dog remembered me and knew what I was doing. At first we were chummy.

you melon-fucking, Vonnegut-reading, street sign-stealing punk." "I only steal street signs to make a statement on society! The rest you may chalk up to bad taste." Narration broke

In his angst, Twinkletoes willed his little toe to dim for a sec & then relight. His armed escort was now unable to move, & cried: "Knave! You ARE a wizard!" "And a FREE one!" said

wombs with the power of new lemon tide soap, now with a hint of lime!" The mops did the trick, but not on the sewer system which had gained full-on sapience. Now they were screwed.

The mother smiled, wiping the blood off her cheek. She bended down, facing the child who had only known the color of blood and the smell of corpses. "You, of course," she laughed.

on the anniversary of that day 11.3 years. I argued how that .3 seemed tacked on. Nevertheless the court upheld the arrangement. What was I going to do with 11 lemons from the car

my strong suit. STOP. I wonder why they couldn't just add periods to telegrams. STOP. Lack of foresight. STOP. Stupidity. STOP. Greed, actually. STOP. I just went thru a red light.