Like a bullet shot straight up, I fall to Earth aimlessly, in a gravitational headlock, unaware of my own pending doom or the doom of those I love and desire most. c'est la vie!

Pistachios for breakfast, toothpaste for dinner. Every day getting thinner & thinner. When I look at tomorrow, I can almost see the day after. The blood of sinners to wash it down.

Stupid plus uneducated equals money...power...fame...in the Age of Mediocrity...self-obsession, narcissism, overachievement...those are the skills of the future workforce.

The gardener to the man who coined the phrase: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" has tied the knot with Chas Bono's hairstylist.

Just tonight...only a few moments ago...the aliens released the Chester County White breed domesticated pig called Arnold Ziffel X and a politician calling himself Mike Pece.

I felt the hurt of the men underfoot. I used it to become steel. Jet fuel on the inside bush couldn't make me say the twenty third letter. It could ask though. The asking alone can

I can't tell you what the Dying Dutchman might have said but I am sure if you wait 20 years you'll be able to read it all on your phone, someday. They shot him in the last stall.

Four and a half years later and it was four and half years later. Everything was different but hadn't changed a bit. There were more rich but there was a lot more poor than before.

China was about to run into the consequences of its One Child policy. The Party has decided to authorize large scale cloning of their few remaining women. Ped Xing is on Mars in an

Now just 30 seconds before the ball was dropped and the new year began. In our culture, as soon as the new year began, each person had to fight each other until only one person

This is an ordinary story about an ordinary day and the very ordinary man who made the ordinary special.

Oohlong Fiddlestein was originally an hour and a third early to his interview. A friend told him that was much too early. So Oohlong decided to wait at the Buckstars Sarsaparilla

I once imagined a masher in a dark 1920's decor auditorium cum cinema porno palace called the Pornorama Extravaganza. I imagined him exploding along with everything but the papaya.

L.A. had become home to a race of Zombie Pornographers who lived up in the hills, at the top of Sunset Park Place, with a view, on a clear day, that stretched from Mid Wilshire to

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. My mother would often say there was no point in making up a story, because the truth was unbelievable enough. And for our family truth

Did you ever smell the inside of my sister's shoes?

There once was a tortoise with a blue head and a plaid shell. It was painted that way by my obnoxious younger brother Ramona. Yes, "Ramona" with an "a." He was always up to

How to make a new friend when you really don't want to. 1. Put Vaseline on your nose and a cotton ball on top of the Vaseline. Then walk around with superglue and a cotton ball. 2

She labored on her hands and knees, crawling on the ground acting like she was looking for a lost contact. People started to gather. Soon others were on their hands and knees.

Civility would be nice. To sit down for dinner and to have respectful conversation. This is what our country needs again... civility.