up without wearing our wigs that day. It was all the rage in old France to shave your head, as it reduced lice and unwanted suitors. But the chess players thought we were pigs.

but the clinic did not approve of my need for and terms of amputation. It was fortunate that the clinic I go to for sex addiction had a therapist with a degree unlike the hospital

western hemisphere on fire, a fire instantly extinguished by the suffocating effect of the fart, along with hundreds of millions of people. This led to the Great Bean Ban of 2032,

rigged them so entering a PIN administered pre-measured doses of Ex-Lax to the monkeys, causing a commensurate number of bills to spray from their butts. These Simian ATMs revoluti

pointed straight down at me. A stream of web shot from my wrist, yanking the pistol out of his hand, along with his hand. Oops. "OWW!" He screamed from the window. His stump gushed

lusty abandon. Four years. That’s how long I sought Trader Joe. I finally found him in his test kitchen, sampling his wares. “Open yer lips and gimme a taste, Joe!” I bellowed. But

planned for next week, and what would Armageddon be without Jesus? The man in the next grave yelled to me. “HEY, some idiot is dancing on my grave!” “I know…it’s Jesus. Just ignore

The crowd gasped. No one ever questioned the Genie, the supreme know-it-all. The Genie grew to massive size and pointed his finger at the questioner. “Dog! Prepare to receive your

with relish. But eating scorpions caused the King of Snakes terrible explosive diarrhea. Not able to give up his scorpion habit, the King put the explosive diarrhea to good use. He

, especially cookie jars labeled “Joker Enterprises” on the bottom. The Joker feigned innocence but laughed at the Penguin’s bloodied finger, which he’d caused. Jim warned the

I thought my write-in campaign may have a chance if I chose the right VP. So I chose Jimmy McMillan (“The rent is TOO DAMN HIGH!”) and saw more interest in my candidacy. But Jimmy

The invasion planned by the Purple Pants general McPurple Pants, who was known for being chronically late, was set for 3:30, but he got there at 8:30 due to a translation error.

AH! I tripped and fell running from them.

Them . . . Them? Who were they again? I can't remember. . . My head hurts like hell though.

"No way...." Ezekiel thinks to himself, "It's really him."

Ezekiel paced back and forth along the cobblestone, hoping that the way his feet ached would subside as soon as God answered. Then, he could finally sit.

. "Yes, the recital, that would be the perfect excuse..." And so, after manufacturing an argument, Jim did it. He pushed his brother down the stairs with one word: "Oyasumi."

Jim got so confused and stressed out that he dumped both flasks in the sink. "Jim!" the senator screamed, "what the hell are you doing? My daughter gave me that, get your hands off

The army of lawnmowers came rushing towards me I couldn't escape!

My girlfriend wouldn't even believe me about the ghostly sightings I found after I discovered that CD lying in the attic along with the player. Last night, I saw a CHILD'S ghost on