trying to surf on the ironing board in the living room. Luckily the carpet was shag, so if she fell, she might not get hurt too bad, but Betty had Bactine in her blood ever since

a little ditty of a hymn like "Zip a duden duden zip a duden dah," as God swaddled the child, Harold Green, gifting to him a mighty keyboard video synthesizer of legendary legend.

When Legolas was eleven, his adopted mother scolded him for kissing a deer, and promised when he was at level 4, he'd be able to shoot cookies from his sleeves with ease. Legolas

hostages, setting cinder blocks on automobile gas pedals and watching them speed driver-less down the highway, all because he got "caught up in the moment". He was a hassle, just

the gas station, as distracted as he was with his performance anxiety, and had poured gas all down the side of his Ferrari. "Oh for the luvva," sobbed Señor Casanova, "The women

It was true, I had only seen the virus once. Every other time, either it had blinded me, or it was too small to see. Either way, I decided I wouldn't stop until I had eradicated

es who were limited time only. "I think I'll try the salad bar," my wife said. But again, it was a zombie salad bar. There was cole slaughter, diet lettuce, funyuns...I dunno.

urnalia, an orgy of nihilistic dread. Nietszszhschshcshshzze was fingering Plato's Arby's sandwich. Greedily, the mustached German stole a layer of roast beef and loudly chewed,

have reacted with my yeast to create a holocaust in my vagina." When Lorena said that, Martin just sort of stared at her, transfixed with a horror that didn't even reach his face.

Not since the Lego people formed a band and wrote that ad jingle for the YMCA had the peoples of this fair village, Toledo, seen such a spectacle. The police belting Smashmouth, a

bird on your shoulder. That was the extent of Br'er Rabbit's first reply in his advice column. "What does Br'er stand for?" He replied, "Brederick Dougler, my good man." He noshed

lost the case. "Too bad she didn't lose a pound!" the producer laughed. His lackeys laughed too. They rolled the 601-pound woman down the courthouse steps to the press' applause.

which is kind of ironic since my best folds come when I really wanna END my life! Chuckling to myself at how we'd created a better fantasy than God's reality, I swatted my keyboard

saved is a goldmine earned. Dirk invested in a cheap Wacom tablet and sketched out all the filthy scenes he'd seen the Easter Bunny and New Haven Ravens' mascot get up to in the

ed if they'd ever shopped at Marshall's before. If not, Mrs 72's 3 heads informed Clement and Syretha, they could apply for a Marshall's membership card for all the latest deals on

Rahm's garish magenta turban bobbed irregularly as he nodded uselessly. A few more adverbs chucked onto the fire, the candybird droppings finally reached their diamond-crust table.

newspaper. Something was peculiar (as he'd say, "perculiar"). For some reason, Dr. Ruth had answered all nine letters today with "Put a gun to your head; it's the only solution."

to nobody. Yuri watched drunkenly as Lavrov puked right there on the middle of the floor, then added, "And that dead dog smell is coming back again." Arms on shoulders, they sang

I'd been dicking with them for years, sending them random telepathic thoughts for shits and giggles without telling them it was telepathic communication. "Kill yourself," was my

or just leap down? Better safe than sorry. If she had accidentally ingested the canine feces under her fingernails, her life might as well be forfeit. She leapt, spreading her arms