Go home, I guess? Listen, I've never rescued princesses in all my life, I don't know what we're supposed to do here. Let's just go with the flow and see what comes next.

t, t, take it or leave it. Then comes u - stands for you and me! And then v... V, v, v... Venomous snakes, of course! W is for wineglasses, and then X for... X for... What does it

A tangerine that begs you to eat it. To dig into its flesh with your teeth until the juices come flowing out, leaving your hands sticky and your heart content. Though, if you were

the apathy and tend to my dad's feet!" Irma took one look at the blackened, rotting appendages and gasped: "Such neglect!" I pulled out my emergency ring:"Irma, will you marry me?"

A light rain was falling when I walked out of the building. Dusk was at hand and a steak somewhere was calling my name. Dutch Fairlane. Dutch on account I was Dutch. Nobody knew my

"I once ate my baby. When I was homeless and living in the husk of a car in Alaska," she said blankly. "That's my darkest story. Now you tell me yours." "That's not what I meant."

got to stop him!” With that, Julia Child’s ghost sped to earth, wine bottle in hand. When she found the guy with his head in the oven, he turned to face the ghost and freaked. “You

ed him from breathing. "I'll have this lump out of your throat in no time, and you'll be fine," Dr. Goodfeel assured him, but made a point to requisition an extra body bag just in

was dismayed to find an admissions COMMITTEE there, but quickly recovered:"Have you no shame," she thundered "fully dressed on national fur protest day?!" The assembled dignitaries

the next 24 hours unscathed. Without a good meal in your belly you won’t make it far, so here, eat this and take a moment to prepare. It won’t be the last time I send you off to

plastic tubes designed to look like artisanal Italian salami. Most of the guests couldn’t tell the difference, but behind the deli counter I hid a smile beneath my N95

. The last time she teetered on this edge was prom night. Nothing seemed worth the trouble, why bother at all. She turned and laid on the couch, waiting for the inevitable

who voted for Reagan. I longed for you in there. And then, in the afterlife, I found you. But now you're with someone new, and you can't die twice, so I'm the only murderer.

ed its trajectory just beside her, and I held my hand out the window for her to grab before she was enveloped in the mud. But to my surprise, she leapt directly into my chimney and

was better than Pollock. His Picasso was better than Picasso. This orangutan was destined to eclipse humanity in his art-making. But this would only work if he was ever recognized

She prayed that Martin specifically, who was weak for a good beach, would volunteer himself to go first and become the cautionary casualty. She knew he was gunning for Ship Lead

a frightening recruitment strategy that opened employment to all species that could complete an interview. The interview program was modified to accept responses from amoebas, frog

. They're covered in metal." "I can, but I'll warn you, I'm wearing nothing underneath." But security came first, so you took them off and went streaking through the metal detector

where he tentatively opened the freezer. John had excreted an insulating substance all over his skin so that he wouldn't die from the cold. Impressive. Maybe he could leave him in

heads. Regrettably, the four children were told, they would now be inseparable. Like conjoined twins, the filthy kids were bound by their mutually-tangled hair.